The Great Shrinking Euphie

12WBT - Pre-Season Stuff

2012-01-24T08:24:00.000+11:00

As I mentioned yesterday, I've signed up for the 12wbt. It kicks off in mid Feb but until then there are pre-season tasks to do.

I was actually a bit annoyed that we didn't just jump right into it but I keep reminding myself that this is about doing something different to get a different outcome. So I'm just going with it.

The first task was simple - introduce yourself. I put a little blurb about who I am and what my goals are on the 12wbt forums. That was pretty straight forward. I don't think I should be over analysing anything here.

The second task is Get Real. This involves making a list of all the excuses you've ever used and then writing a counter argument or response. I haven't done this one yet. I want to sit down tonight and put some serious thought into it - and probably add more over the next week as I think of others.

The third task is set your goals. I have done this one. This was harder than I expected. I think I've always been very general in my goals. I've thought "I want to weight x kilos and wear clothes a, b and c". It was good to break things down a bit more and think harder about goals in terms of health and fitness.

That's about it for the day. I'm currently focused on getting back into blogging because it helps keep me on track.

2012

2012-01-23T17:18:00.000+11:00

2011 was a write off. I injured my back pretty badly and everything went downhill from there. Its amazing how depressing chronic injury is.

I really don't want to analyse it any more because its not productive. I think I'm much better off thinking about the new year and my goals.

So right now I'm around 124kg which is quite a shock. I know this is the biggest I've ever been. I really never expected to be looking down the barrel of 40 and still being fat (I turn 39 this year).

One thing I learned last year and the year before is that some things just don't work for me. Weight Watchers - although an excellent approach and something I would recommend for many - just isn't my thing. Neither are gyms, although I try to convince myself otherwise.

What suits me it regular walking and minor obsession. In light of this I've signed up for the Michelle Bridges 12WBT (12 week body transformation). It's an online-community based exercise and diet program over 12 weeks. That takes care of the obsession thing - I'll be able to be focused and bloody minded about it for three months.

The second thing - regular walking - will serve me well for some time to come. At 124kg walking is safe and will burn a hell of a lot of calories. When my fitness improves I'll get more strenuous but for now it's walking and adding more hills and distance as I go.

And that's it really. I'm back on board without any fanfare or announcements that "this time I'll really do it and I'm so motivated and everything is just grand". I've just got to do what I know will work.

Ok, back into it then!

2011-08-06T10:13:00.000+10:00

The enthusiasm for really getting stuck into the new WW plan did not fade overnight. The fella and I toasted the end of his birthday "week" (well, he did turn 40 so he decided he needed a whole week of celebration). Time to get myself organised!

Actually, being organised in my life in general makes it easier to be organised with food and exercise. If my environment is clean and fresh feeling then I feel unencumbered and free to focus on important things. It just gives me mental and physical space to know unfinished tasks are not looming.

In light of this, there is going to be some serious organising today. Today I will:

- defrost the fridge
- do a big FRESH grocery shop which includes things for packed lunches next week (no more buying lunch)
- sort out the bedroom which is a bit of a mess at moment.
- divide my knitting projects into things I will definitely finish and those that need to be abandoned and wound back into skeins.
- iron my shirts.

It sounds like a bit list but it's not actually that huge. I can still get all this done and still kick back and relax today.

Food and exercise wise I'm going to:
- shop well and plan meals
- go for a walk of at least 1 hour

Sounds good. There is rain forecast for this afternoon so I'd better get cracking on the outdoor activities (shopping and going for a walk) first.

Not Very Organised

2011-08-05T19:50:00.000+10:00

Well, after joining (rejoining) WW four weeks ago I haven't been back. But I'm going to jump up and down and declare it's not my fault. It is, but my excuses are actually really good ones.

The first week I got on the bus in time to get to the meeting (trains on my line were replaced by buses that week). The bus trip which should have been 50 minutes ended up taking two hours. So, I'm not going to blame myself for that one, I was bloody lucky to get to work on time.

The next week I had to start work early and the last two weeks I wasn't even in town - I was out at woop-woop enjoying my fellas 40th birthday festivities.

So yeah, a crap start but life goes on. I actually entertained the idea of just saying "stuff it" and not going back at all, but even I realised how stupid that was. So NEXT Thursday I'll be able to rock up.

During to the 40th birthday festivities and the past month in general, I have barely given a thought to eating better. There has been so much beer and food around that, although I haven't gone nuts, I'd guarantee nothing like a loss.

But yesterday on the last day of frivolity, I felt very old and tired and fat. It was a combination of squashing my fat arse into a a dress circle seat at the Princess Theatre and popping into Myer for a new shirt turning into a disappointing purchase of a nice but kind of matronly black top in size 20. This morning the fella even said "I've got to lose some weight" so even he was feeling a bit gross after our winter season of sloth.

I'm really happy to be feeling excited about getting back into WW now, whereas a month ago I joined because I knew I had to and was hoping to create a little wave of enthusiasm based on having "done the right thing". It now feels like the timing is right.

So today I had a facial, got a haircut, bought a couple of t-shirts at Target (bless Target for having some non-matronly gear) and started to feel excited.

Tomorrow is shopping day which means stocking up on fresh goodies. I've lost enthusiasm for cooking over the past months and have been relying on the old standby of pasta or fritters for dinner which is not nutritionally ideal. Staying enthusiastic about cooking is hard, but being organised helps a lot. I might even write a shopping list.

Back

2011-07-10T12:07:00.001+10:00

(This bit in bold added later same day) Oh Fuck it! (sorry about the language for anyone offended). I locked my blog to make it private. I need the comments and support damn it! So, blog be public again and to hell with the consequences. I can't see anyone bagging me for going back to WW after saying it didn't work for me. And if they do what's the worst that will happen - ummmm.... nothing?

Back because my back hurts and back because I'm here again.

Nearly six full months since I last blogged last. Bugger. It's a reflection of how I've kind of lost the plot. A string of minor illnesses and poor organisation resulting in insufficient sleep.Oh yeah, and winter. Winter can be depressing and makes it hard to get off my arse and move.

This pattern is too familiar and now I'm back at 121.6kg. Yay me (not).

I've felt like I've lost the plot and I've been going to the gym very infrequently which sucks a lot. I have three early starts at work this week which means two gym days. That's better than the last couple of weeks (or months) so I'll take it. Every day will be super early so at least I'll have a consistent wakeup.

Also - and I'm in two minds about whether this is a good or bad thing - I've gone back to WW. After giving it some thought over the past two weeks I thought I'd just get in there and try again. They have a new program which means I won't be able to feel that I know it all and I can "get away with" whatever I want. I don't feel smarter than the program at the moment.

Actually, the new program is kind of complex and will take a bit of getting used to.

Because I so proudly trumpeted about how I was over WW and it just didn't work for me, I've also made this blog private. I don't really want to be writing with an audience in mind. This is now my diary.

So the thing to do now is get my head around the new WW program, tell Geoff that's what I'm doing and apply it. GO TO MEETINGS, stick with it. Don't get complacent.

I miss feeling good about my body SO MUCH. I don't feel healthy, I just feel very overweight. I've been having back problems this year and I hate squashing my fat arse (and gut and chest and legs and back) into an airline seat.

My portion sizes are out of control, I don't exercise and I'm not organising my supermarket shop to get any sort of planning or nutrition.

Aarrruuughhhhh. .................... So. This week. Learn the program. Go to the gym twice, go for a walk of 1 hour min each Saturday and Sunday. That's it. I can do this.

Any WW weigh in is on Thursday so I really want a loss by then.

Monday

2011-01-31T21:12:00.001+11:00

It's hot and crappy today in Melbourne and because I've had insufficient sleep (about 5 restless hours) I fee truly sick. I'll take a panadol and feel better but geez I feel bad right now.

I'm kind of proud that I made it to the gym anyway, especially as G is suffering from the heat and lack of sleep too but he just couldn't make it to gym this morning. So I went alone and did as much as I could. That was only 10mins on the treadmill and 15 mins on the bike followed by some decent stretching because I'm feeling a bit shin-splinty.

After feeling a bit miserable and whingey all weekend I'm back to wanting to take on the world - despite feeling kind of sick. It's a bit of a long story but here goes.

I watched The Biggest Loser last night. I am not a fan of the show but I was sucked in and there was nothing else on. So I was watching what the overweight families ate on a regular basis.

Actually, I don't believe these people ate ALL that food on a regular basis. I'm sure they were playing up for the cameras.

Because I don't really know how fat I look to other people, I kind of assume I look as fat as the people on TBL. So I said to G "I don't eat like that - I wouldn't even eat half of what they are eating and I'm the same size. What the hell is going on there?". I think I was partly fishing for him to say "You are nowhere near as big as them" but he didn't. So although I was half saying I was as big as the women on the show so that G would say "no you're not" I kind of wonder whether I am.

I'm fairly sure I'm not because my belly doesn't sit on my lap when I'm seated and the width across my elbow is wider than my forearm - not narrower. But hey, what do I know.

So I decided to operate as though I am that big. The advice I'd give to the people on TBL would be to count EVERY calorie, plan your meals so you are prepared and avoid sweets. So that's what I'm going to do this week. Keep it simple - do the basics I know that I should and approach it as though I am a beginner at this weight loss thing.

Oh - and I got my bike out of the shed and have booked him in for a service. Trevor the Wonderbike will hit the roads this weekend

Rest time is coming to a close

2011-01-30T13:56:00.003+11:00

I've been a bit drained lately. I just haven't seemed to have had time for anything and so my blog, my eating and my gym time have suffered. I think some of it has been due to lack of organisation so I'm staying up late and sleeping past my alarm.

Part of it is because of anaemia and the resulting lack of energy - and I'm glad to say I'm feeling a lot better now. And I think that part of it is the need for change.

I've been doing the same thing now for four months (in terms of food and exercise) and I've made some really good progress, but now it's just all same-same and I'd like something new.

Yes, I know that this is a long-term change of lifestyle thing and but I just need something new to get excited about. I initially thought I'd go swimming.

This plan didn't get very far - I have no local options for this. The "rivers" around Bacchus Marsh are more like what I'd call a creek where I grew up, and they look all muddy and shallow anyway. it's not exactly 60m crossings of the Murrumbidgee. The local pool is open in summer but opens at 11am and closes around 6pm. Clearly making the pool available at the peak sunburn times is a priority here - and ensuring that by opening these hours the place will be packed with screaming school children and swimming laps will be impossible......

So there goes that great idea. We don't have a car so I need to be reasonable about what I can do. It's just not practical to spend 90 minutes on public transport each way getting to a pool for a 45 minute splishy splashy.

This leaves me the spending time with Trevor. Yeah, I know I've said it before - that I'll get Trev out of the shed, pump up his tyres and take him for a spin, but I haven't. It's just all seemed too hard. Now I'm feeling a lot more energetic thanks to healthier haemoglobin it might actually happen. It might even happen tonight.

So basically today I'm having a whinge. Yay me. Getting back to the gym tomorrow and full-on calorie tracking will probably stop the whingeing. I'm fine once I've started something, I'm just really annoying in the lead-up. I probably should do something about this.

Anyway, as I'm mentioned before, this Wednesday I'll do a stocktake with PT Quagmire. I'll get some feedback from him. It's obviously a food thing and not an exercise thing so I need to sort out that area of my life. I might even do a two week 1250cal/day thing to give me a bit of a push along.

For those who don't know, I call him Quagmire after the sex-obsessed character in Family Guy. When I first met him I thought "Whoa - you are some pervy guy and no I don't want to have sex with you thanks very much". After a few chats I realised he's probably all talk and I've really come to like him a lot. He's a good guy, very good at his job and unlike me seems to be able to see the good side of almost anyone. (Whereas I'm a picky bitch when I'm tired or cranky).

So here's a link to Quagmire - looks a bit like him too..

http://www.localfitness.com.au/genesis-fitness-clubs-flinders-st-melbourne/personal-trainer-jason

Minor Rut - More of a Rutlett (mmmm....crumbed rutlett.)

2011-01-27T14:08:00.000+11:00

I'm not really on strike, but I have downed tools this week. I just felt a bit emotionally weary and stopped tracking and didn't go to the gym Thursday or today. I'm not worried about it really. I haven't given up or stopped - I just needed to stop thinking about food and exercise and weight for a few days. I'll have the rest of the day off from thinking and get back into it tomorrow.

It's weird - It takes a fair bit of mental energy to change life-long habits and sometimes it's nice to just not think about it. So that's what I've been doing for a few days. I had PT on Monday and went to the gym on Tuesday - but Wednesday, Thursday and today are just going to be no-brainers. No gym, just eat whatever (that is eat anything NOT eat everything) and have a bit of a rethink.

The rethink is about planning my the next steps of my weight loss and fitness. I joined the gym in September in the the four months since then I've improved my strength and overall fitness and improved my eating considerably. But now I have to do more. I've got the quick-wins, now I have to stop coasting along and put in some work.

Weight loss is achieved through taking in fewer calories than you expend - unless you chop your bum off with a cleaver there is no other way to do it. Given the time I have available to commit to exercise at the moment I'm doing well on the expenditure side of things. There is about 45 minutes of walking built into my work days just getting to and from different train stations, and almost all weekdays begin at the gym with a minimum of 30 minutes sweating and exertion. I don't do any sessions that are easy or relaxing. Most days it's more like 45 minutes anyway.

So at this point I don't think I need to change my exercise routine except to work harder as my capacity to do so increases and do something planned on weekends rather than treat them as a day off.

It's really the food thing that needs re-jigging. My exercise is essentially fine for me at the moment and the two tweakings above will help as well. I have to find a better approach to food though because although I've made some progress it's a little bit "two steps forward and one step back" right now.

I'm having a "stocktake" with PT Quagmire on Wednesday next week and I know there will be some good results on the tape measure (um, the jeans I'm wearing right now are comfortable instead of cutting into me like they used to). So that's good. I don't measure myself at home so I'll be interested to see what the results are.

Quagmire (I've got to stop calling him that - but it's just so accurate giggity-goo), said months ago that if I want some help with the food stuff then he's happy to give it. At the time I was just happy to plod along doing my thing - now I don't know. Maybe I'll try his three week "kick up the bum" plan. Maybe I'll just be a bit more focused on what I'm doing and not let sneaky little icypoles or jelly snakes find the way into my mouth. Can't hurt though - and it might be the level of novelty that I need. Sometimes it's good to just have a bit of a change to what I'm doing.

So I suppose I'm in a bit of a rut and I just need something different to brighten me up a bit.

Sick and Tired

2011-01-24T14:06:00.000+11:00

Yes - I'm sick and tired. Also known as anaemic. This happens more often than I'd like (I'd like NEVER) and every time I don't recognise the problem until I can barely get out of bed. I just sort of brush off the early symptoms as sleep deprivation and laziness.

I hit the lowest point on Friday. I went to bed at 7.30pm and got up at 8.30am Saturday. Then I had a two hour nap in the morning and another three hour nap in the afternoon. I said to G "can you feed the cat, I don't think I can get out of bed". It was hearing myself say this that made me slap my forehead and say "Der! your'e anaemic you idiot". Well, if I'd had the energy to slap my forehead that's what I would have done.

So I've started on the iron supplements and I'm already feeling a lot better. I had PT on Friday and then again today and the difference in my strength and ability to do stuff without dying is amazing. PT gave me heavier weights than usual and they were easier than Friday's lighter ones.

I have had periods of anaemia over the past 20 years because I'm just not very good at absorbing iron. The remedy is always: reduce blood donations (which I only do once a year max now), take a supplement (doing that now), try to eat more red meat (for some reason three times a week just isn't enough for me) and hope for an early menopause. So although I'm self-diagnosing and have not had a haem test yet, I'm very likely correct but I'm still going to the doctor for a "real" diagnosis.

So today I thought I'd post a few interesting snippets re: iron deficiency and anaemia:

First, here's a link to a good overview of the condition/s.
http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/anaemia?open

...and a note about exercise increasing iron needs
Exercise – athletes are prone to iron deficiency because regular exercise increases the body’s need for iron in a number of ways; for example, hard training promotes red blood cell production, while iron is lost through sweating.

Ok, so I'm not an "athlete" but I sure as hell sweat a lot!

Remember though - be VERY careful with self diagnosis. I have persistent, chronic anaemia but I'm still going to the doctor just to make sure. Self diagnosing can be dangerous and excessive iron supplementation can make you very sick. Keep iron supplements AWAY from children - they are quite toxic to little ones.

Good News and Bad News

2011-01-17T14:04:00.001+11:00

First for the good news. My weight has started to move down again. It kind of moved between 117.5 - 118.5 for most of December and then due to lots of beer and icecream and pasta over Christmas it went up over 119. Now I'm down to 116.5 and its not an anomaly because I've had several readings of the same weight over a few days.

It feels good to be back into it. I was worried that nothing was working - I just needed to be a bit more patient. I can actually feel a change in shape too so that's good. Yay me.

So the bad news is that I nearly spewed at the gym.

On the treadmill I usually walk at 6km/hour but make every fourth minute 8.5km/hour, sometimes 9. Today I thought I'd see what 11 was like. So I put in 30 seconds at 11 and then down to 8 for 30 seconds before going back down to 6. It was a bit tough on the lungs but it was kind of fun to be able to run rather than jog. It's pretty cool just belting along.

So far so good. A few minutes at 6km/hour and I decide to repeat the exercise (pun intended). This time I crank it up to 11km/hour for 40 seconds and then drop it back down to 8. I feel stuffed, so I take it back to six and then I jump onto the side walls of the tread and take a breather. I feel unwell. I stop the tready, sit on the end of it and pretend to tie my shoe and then wander into the changerooms.

I wanted to throw up, I was dizzzy and exhausted and I felt exactly like I was in the middle of a massive night of drinking and had just thrown up in the pub toilets. So I sit on the lid of the loo with my head resting on the wall until the urge to vomit or fall over (or both!) passes. I'd only done 25 mins on the treadmill at this point and I wasn't going to leave until I'd done half an hour of SOMETHING so I put in 5 mins on the bike.

Ok, so I pushed myself harder than I could handle - if I keep at it, maybe do 20 seconds at 11 for a while and do them a bit further apart, I'll avoid the urge to throw up. That's not what freaked me out about feeling so sick.

The thing that made me angry and unhappy was that it made me feel like the fattest and least fit person in the gym. Hey, I might actually be the fattest and least fit person in the gym - but I've always been impressed with how I can do more each week and I can do a hell of a lot more this week than when I started in September. But today I just felt like some big fat slob who couldn't even walk on the treadmill without keeling over.

Yeah, I know. I wasn't walking I was belting along at a decent pace but it made me feel crappy.

Tomorrow I try again. I will include 11km/hour bursts in my cardio training but I'll space them apart a bit better. Also, I might drop the speed to 5km/hour just afterwards. I'll see how I go - it was so enjoyable to get up to that speed that I'm not going to give up on it.

Quick Update

2011-01-10T14:03:00.000+11:00

I've organised with my PT to do a stocktake at the end of January - that is get out the tape measure and the scales and get some measurable stats on the impact of gymming since 7 Sept 2010.

It's made me wake up a bit. i have lost a few kilos and some inches too, but nothing dramatic. I'm not really looking for dramatic or instant results - it's just I'd like to have lost a bit more by now.

So I've decided I'm just stuffing around a bit too much with the food thing. Time to strip out the things I think I can eat but don't really belong in a weight loss regimen. Even if I do an hour of gym a day I don't need to recoup the calories burned - I have plenty in storage. I need to make sure I'm not telling myself that I don't need to cut back so much because of the exercise I'm doing. I just need to be a bit stricter with it all.

That's about it really. It's a bit gross and muggy in Melbourne today which I hate. I just don't handle summer well - curse of the fat girl who swelters through summer.

Accountability

2011-01-09T19:49:00.003+11:00

Ok, first things first. The alcohol free January is a no-brainer. Easy peasy. I know it's only the 9th of January now but meeting this goal is a simple as not putting beer in the supermarket trolley.

The croissant thing is fine too. I had a plain croissant instead of an almond croissant and I think next Saturday I wont bother with either. It's funny when you slow down and have a think about whether you want something or you are just following force of habit.

Avoiding the lolly tin at work has been harder. I think I'll stick a label on it saying "consult your dentist and doctor before consuming contents of this jar". Everyone else will think I'm being silly but I'll be more likely to just stop. Cake at work wasn't a problem this week as there were no birthdays but I think I'll just eat a banana from my giant stash of fruit that I now keep at work.

Now for the accountability.

I'm a lot better at doing things for other people than I am for myself. With this in mind I told PT Quagmire that at the end of January I think he should put me back on the scales and get out his tape measure and do a stocktake. I'm actually a little bit nervous.

Its almost exactly 4 months since I joined the gym and I have lost weight and cms, but I do kind of feel that I haven't done nearly as well as I should. So I'll face the tape measure and the scales and we can make plans to kick it up a notch.

But that's not for a few weeks. I've got plenty to focus on until then so I'll just keep plugging away.

Sugar eradication plan

2011-01-04T20:05:00.001+11:00

Back to the gym today after nearly two weeks off. The gym closed from December 24 to Jan 4 and I really missed it. I don't miss the 5.30am wakeup or lugging a bag full of sweaty clothes around all day but it's a small price to pay for feeling better and avoiding the 3pm slump where it's just too easy to go scavenging for sugar. Did some treadmill and bike and my legs feel a bit tired but I'm so glad to be back. The man had PT today which seems a bit scary for his first day back at the gym. I've got PT tomorrow and I expect to be thrashed.

Today I've been thinking about all the little things that add up to weight loss obstacles. After giving them some thought, they really are not that little - it's amazing how easy it is to lie to yourself about something. So here's a list of things I'm going to cut out each week.

Almond croissant every Saturday - 500cal
3 stubbies of beer every Friday - 498
10 jubes every work day - 830
cake (it's always some one's birthday) - 510

These are the things I eat every week. That's 2338 calories I am consuming on auto-pilot.There are 7,500 ish calories in a kilo of body fat so that's like an extra kilo I could potentially lose every three weeks without this stuff. I know the maths is pretty rough but 2338 excess calories per week is a hell of a lot.

I'm most amazed by the jubes actually - 10 per day from the office lolly jar really adds up. If you asked me if I each much junky food I'd have said no - until I looked at that list that is. It's amazing how these things sneak in. Tracking a handful of jubes each day makes the calories seem negligible, but adding them up for a week is really quite shocking.

So I need to find alternatives. The beer is fine because I'm having an alcohol free month and it's going to be quite easy to just avoid it. The jubes and cake will be a bit trickier because they are at work and I can get bored at work. Eating doesn't really cure boredom but it's breaks it up a bit. I'll just have to go cold turkey on the office goodies.

The almond croissant is a bit trickier. Every Saturday the man and I go to the bakery for a croissant and coffee and read the newspaper. Maybe I just have to start a different ritual. Or I could just have something different. Even a plain croissant could be the solution. I still get to enjoy a croissant but it's nearly half the calories of the one with almond and custard. (And I had to guess the 500cal for the almond croissant - it's probably a lot more than that).

I'll see how I go this Saturday, but the plain croissant is looking like a really good option. If I get rid of the jubes and cake and beer then I feel quite comfortable having a croissant once a week.

Apart from getting rid of empty sugar and alcohol calories, I've decided to try eating more earlier in the day. I get hungry late morning and late afternoon but never at night (I've never been one of those people who looks for things after dinner). So I'm bringing some of my dinner calories forward a few hours. It should keep my blood sugar nice and stable and help me resist those sugar hits at work too.

The Life You Want

2011-01-03T10:27:00.006+11:00

The man and I had a big day out yesterday (for us - we're kind of quiet people).

We used some cinema vouchers we got for Christmas and saw Megamind. Hilarious. Lots of colour and fun for kids and clever gags for the adults. I'd recommend seeing it except for the fact that adult tickets are $17 each! Bloody hell - $17! That is outrageous. No wonder people don't go to the cinema anymore. Yeah, I sound like a cranky old lady but I was shocked at that price. I think the last time I went to the cinema was around 2006.

They had all the adds for nasty cinema food. I've never understood the appeal of cinema food. Overly dry popcorn with fake butter flavour, giant tubs of soft drink and rock hard choc tops. On the billboard above the register they were advertising "butter blast choc tops". It looked like icecream with butter swirled through it but it was probably meant to be butterscotch or something. Just the name put me off. So no cinema snacks because that's just not what I do at the movies - it didn't really require any effort to say no.

We also went to the football where I'm pleased to say Melbourne Heart won. Its been a while since we've had a home game victory so that was pretty good. At the football we used to get hot chips and beer. We got them because that's what they have at the football - there really isn't a lot else to eat and we didn't eat beforehand because we went straight from the cinema and got to the footy late.

There was a small stash of sandwiches in the drinks fridge so we each had a "gourmet chicken sandwich" which it turns out is a chicken and mayonnaise sandwich on multigrain. Yeah, right. Also got a latte each which was acceptable but not a great coffee.

A kid sat in front of us eating a hot dog. I was thinking about stealing it from him, he was only about seven so I think I could take him. I decided that hotdogs are more appealing if you don't actually eat them - it's the white bread and tomato sauce that is the thrill. So the man asked if we could have sausage sandwiches when we got home. This involved stopping at Coles express in the city before we went home but we had plenty of time until our train so we did.

That afternoon/evening out involved nearly two hours walking and I felt great. I didn't have beer at the football which I normally do. I realised that I don't like football beer - mid-strength beer in a plastic cup just makes be feel bloated and want to pee.

When we got home I made some sausage sandwiches and they were bloody fantastic. I still came in under my calories for the day and really enjoyed a late night snag. Back when I was doing Weight Watchers I would NEVER have had a sausage. They were just way too high in points and not worth it. I love just counting calories so much better.

Sure I had more fat than was recommended thanks to the snags, but that's ok. My calories were fine and it's energy in vs energy out. I wouldn't want to have that much fat every day but on WW it would have blown out my points completely and I'd have felt bad about it.

Anyway, enough talk of sausages. Time to consider the title of this post: The Life You Want.

I'm reading a book called 'It's All Too much' by Peter Walsh. He's a house cleaning/sorting/organising expert. You might have seen him on Oprah; he stands out for having a dodgy looking beard and an Australian accent. I like his approach to getting your shit together. The first time I saw him on Oprah I was in the middle of boxing everything up for the movers and feeling miserable that the new flat didn't have enough room for all my stuff.

A few things he said were very relevant to me that day. The main point of his discussion was that it's just stuff. Stuff is not you and if it doesn't fit in your home it doesn't fit in your life. Another thing he said was that Americans think that if something is good then more must be better. I'm paraphrasing here but he said "You think that if some is good then more is better. You do it with things and you do it with food". The audience didn't really appreciate this comment but it was spot on. Why have one Lindt ball when you can have three? Surely three is better than one.

I went to Peter's website a few days later and sent him a message about how timely this show was. I was sitting in my packed-up flat, begrudging the move from Brunswick West to Moonee Ponds (I didn't want to move but the landlord wanted to move in). I was stressing that I couldn't take my bar with me. It was a sort of bar/credenza thing with a mirrored interior for glassware and it was about half the size of an upright piano. So pretty big for something I basically just kept glasses in.

A few days later he emailed me back thanking me for my email because it reminded him of home - he was an Essendon boy, and I made his day. (Essendon is a suburb that borders Moonee Ponds for those non-Melbournians).

That was kind of nice and when I saw him on telly I referred to him as "my boyfriend on Oprah". This year when working in Hobart I found one of his books on sale. I'd thought about getting one before but just never did so I was pretty happy to spend all of $5 on this one. It's called "It's All Too Much - Lead a richer life with less stuff".

There is some practical advice in there and some stories of mess which make me say "only in America" although I'm sure there are Australians who have all their clothes just chucked into the spare room and call it the ironing pile.

The thing he keeps coming back to is whether all your stuff serves to provide you with the life you WANT. Not the life you have, because that's obviously already happening. Whatever sort of life you are living is supported but all your junk in some way or other. But think about the life you want to have. It's probably not a life with piles of mail on the kitchen table and boxes of clothes that used to fit but you can't bear to throw away.

When talking about sorting the master bedroom he talks a lot about clothes. I'll quote directly here

"What is the point of clothing that doesn't suit you or flatter your figure or garner you positive comments? Just because you own them doesn't mean you have to hold on the them or wear them. Don't dress for the life you have - dress for the life you want" Get rid of clothing that doesn't match your vision and clear some space to see what you have".

I think this is great advice. I'm sorting my wardrobe today. I do have some clothes that I only wear because I haven't washed yet and they just have to go. Why am I wearing things I don't love? I do have clothes that I love to wear and I should be in them.

It's probably something that could apply to food too. Eat and exercise for the life you want to live - not the life that got you all fat in the first place because my dear, that's only going to get you fatter.

So I'm going to make my approach to live as though I've ALREADY reached my goal. In terms of clothes and food and exercise. This will not work for anyone who is "on a diet" and can't wait until it finishes so they can go back to eating KFC. But if you look at how you want to be living at goal and it involves good health and looking good, then why not start now. Sure, you won't be able to wear all the things you will at goal and you probably wont be able to exercise as hard as you will when you are lighter, but start now and it will be more enjoyable straight away - instead of waiting until that magical time when the scales tell you you've arrived.

(Small plug for Peter Walsh - www.peterwalshdesign.com)

I haven't had a beer all year!

2011-01-02T10:52:00.002+11:00

It's true. I haven't had a beer all year - but the year is less that 48 hours old.

I'm pretty sure that alcohol had a lot to do with my gaining so much weight. Alcohol is a killer for losing or maintaining weight.

1 - Alcohol is very high calorie. Carbs and protein have 4 cals/gram, Fat has 9cals/gram and Alcohol has 7 cals/gram. An Australian standard drink has 10 grams of alcohol - so 70 calories just for the alcohol content. That doesn't take into account the rest of the ingredients in the drink you are having. If like me you are fond of throwing back the odd stubby of boutique beer, you'll be sinking about 170 cals per beer. Puts the idea of a few sly beers into context.

2 - Alcohol might make you feel sleepy but it ruins your sleep. You just wont have good quality sleep after drinking. You'll feel dodgy the next day and likely turn to high sugar energy hits to keep you going.

3 - Alcohol disables your ability to say no to hot chips. Or nachos or pizza or whatever else is around. Fatty and salty foods often taste great with alcohol. Don't believe me? Ever wanted to have a salad sandwich with your gin and tonic or would you prefer some of those little crackers with salami and cheese? Mmmmm - nomnomnom. Not only does the delicious combination of alcohol and fat do you in, but the alcohol destroys your resolve to stick to healthy eating. So you crave the fatty delights and lose the ability to say no to them.

4 - Alcohol is a poison and a carcinogen. It's not good for your body whichever way you slice it. We live in a society where we do a lot of things that are not good for us and we get to decide how to balance these things out. Prosciutto can give you oesophageal cancer if you eat enough of it but you get to decide whether the tiny risk of having it every few weeks outweighs the deliciousness. Driving a car is a risk but you get to decide whether walking 200km is a better option.

So I'm not saying don't ever drink, I'm just saying be aware of what you are choosing to do. And I'm DEFINITELY NOT saying don't eat prosciutto - that's just too awful to think about.

5 - Alcohol makes you do stupid things. I'll leave it there.

So in light of all these things I'm going to have an alcohol free month. I don't drink a lot by Australian standards - six drinks a week probably? Still that's six times 170 calories I can live without (1,020 calories over a week).

Alcohol free January is on. If anyone wants to join me please do. Even if you know you have a major event coming up (someones wedding or birthday etc) you can have an alcohol free January with a day off in the middle.

It will be interesting to see the impact this has on the scales and my general well being.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T11:08:00.002+11:00

Well, new year and a refreshed layout for my blog. I just wanted to keep it pretty simple and fresh and resist the urge to make everything pink and floral. I'm very pro-flowery stuff and sometimes get a bit Barbara Cartland.

So I've finalised my NY resos and they are in the column on the right. All achievable and either to do with health or knitting (somewhat narrow focus perhaps). I do a lot of knitting.

Last night the fella and I celebrated the new year with a few beers and videos. I was snoring by 11pm which is a nice way to spend new years eve. Luckily the neighbours were not having any big noisy bogan parties so altogether it was pretty relaxing.

We are heading off to the pub for lunch because I feel like a hamburger and don't want to make one. I'll give the beer a miss though. Slightly over beer for a while.

That's it really. I hope everyone had a good night whether you celebrated or slept.

December 31st

2010-12-31T16:46:00.002+11:00

Wow. 2011 tomorrow. I wont say "where did the year go" because it was a bloody tough year. There was a lot of shit happening at work that made it a longer year than it should have been.

Still - it's all drawing to a close now.

I'm sitting on the sofa in the air conditioned loungeroom, drinking a spectacular Mt Macedon Ale from the lovely people at Holgate Brewhouse. The man will be home soon and we will celebrate the new year with beer, salad and steak.

Tomorrow I'll post my final list of ten NY resos but for now I'm just celebrating having a half day off work, a long weekend and soft bed to sleep in tonight (when I pass out around 8.30pm)

New Year soon

2010-12-29T20:53:00.002+11:00

I can't help it. I'm a total sucker for New Year's Resolutions. I love the idea of setting goals, feeling optimistic about the year ahead and making positive plans. To all those people who say you shouldn't make resolutions I say get stuffed. I'm going to make them and enjoy writing the king of all lists.

So, here goes..

1 - Get under 100kg. Yep, double digits. Not going to do that whole thing of "in 52 weeks I can lose 52 kilos and blah blah blah". If I'm 18 kilos lighter this time next year I'll be a happy camper. Any more than that is just gravy (mmm.... gravy).

2 - Run 3km non-stop on the treadmill. Or outside. Either way is fine.

3 - Exercise every Saturday and Sunday. Even it's is a walk around the park, I've just got to get out and move on the weekends.

4 - Finish or frog all my current knitting projects. I have too many UFOs (unfinished objects). I've got to be ruthless and decide what I've lost enthusiasm for and what I'm prepared to finish.

5 - Knit the man a jumper in time for his 40th birthday in early August. Jeepers - might have to start that very soon.

6 - Keep my hair natural. No more colours because I'm after a bit of novelty. I must resist colouring it on a whim. The last experiment has nearly grown out so this one will be easy to do.

I'd like an even 10 so I've got a few days to come up with four more.

My Body Image Idols

2010-12-28T11:57:00.005+11:00

In light of my new weight goal of around 80kg, here are my body image idols. The fantastic Serena and Venus Williams.

I've got to say that I don't really like their playing style as much as a more nuanced player like Mauresmo, but hey - they rock.

They are each just over 80kg according to lots of different websites, both kind of busty, a few cms taller than me and both are incredibly fit, healthy and happy looking. Yay for healthy girls!

So although I'm a bit pale and I can't play tennis AT ALL, look out for Euphie Williams!

DEXA Results - how I lost 15kg in one morning

2010-12-28T10:30:00.007+11:00

Ok, it's about a week ago now but I thought I'd update on the DEXA results. I did a brief post on this on the CK blogs but it was a bit rushed.

So, here are the raw stats:

Height 172.5cm
Weight 118.1kg
Body Fat % 47.5%
Basal Metabolic Rate 1843kCal/day

I'm a bit shocked about the body fat %. Actually, I'm not. I'm unhappy about it but I don't think it was really unexpected. I'm somehow glad it was under 50% but really, I'm just splitting hairs there - it's close enough to 50% to be scary.

The Basal Metabolic Rate was really interesting. That's quite a lot of calories to just keep myself alive and functioning. It put into perspective those 1000 calorie diets and why you are almost guaranteed to lose muscle.

Speaking of muscle, I have (like many obese people) a hell of a lot of muscle. Some of it will be from the last three months of weight training but most of it will be from hauling too much weight around.

So now for some more stats:

Fat-Free mass (kg) 62.12kg. That means just over 62kg of me is NOT fat. This puts BMI into perspective. If my total body weight was 62.12kg I'd be in the healthy range for BMI. But if I maintain my current level of Fat Free mass I'd have to have 0% body fat to be at that weight - ie: I'd be dead.

Anyway, 62.12kg of Fat Free Mass puts me well above the 95th percentile for women. That means I have more lean mass than 95% of the population. Wow.

If I maintain that level of lean mass (and I hope I can), the weight ranges relevant to me are:

"Healthy" (upper limits) Weight 82.8-88.9kg.
"Ideal" Weight 77 - 82.9kg
"Athlete" 74 - 77kg

This was absolutely shocking for me! I remember being around 77ish kg (see pic of me in black wig in on the right hand side). I was honestly still a bit porky. BUT the thing is that I wasn't doing any strength exercise. I was running 4kms every day of the week which obviously kept the weight down a bit but I was was all soft. Maybe for the level of muscle I had back then, 65kg would have been appropriate. Now it's absolutely not.

So now my goal of 65kg looks bloody stupid. Apart from that meaning nil body fat if I maintain my current lean mass, I now have a very different approach to exercise. Now I realise that weights are far more important than I ever thought they were. Especially as I get older, weight training is vital to maintaining bone strength.

In light of all this, I revised my goal from 65kg to 80kg. I'll refine this if needed when I get to 80kg. My goal is now 15kg closer - that's like losing 15kg overnight (ok, sort of). 38kg to go sounds so much easier than 53kg to go.

Now for the calorie maths:
Basal Metabolic Rate: 1843kCal
Daily Target for fat loss 2010kcal in/300kCal burned
Daily Target to maintain status quo 2512kCal in/300kCal burned.

So apart from adjusting my goal weight up by 15kg, I can adjust my calorie intake up too. I'll plug the numbers into CK and see what happens. Despite wanting to aim for fewer calories in, I'll bite the bullet and aim for 2000 with lots of exercise. It seems far too many but I'll do it anyway. Surely the DEXA results are more accurate for me than the data from CK based on population averages. I just need to trust it. I'll give it until the end of January and then revise if needed. Given how far off I was with my concept of target weight I have to accept that I'm probably way off with calorie intake too.

And that's it. I'm going to lie down now because I've made myself sick by typing and reading without my glasses. Could also be yesterday's beer.

Lots of water and maybe a berocca for me.

Christmas Recovery

2010-12-27T20:10:00.006+11:00

Well, despite spending Christmas alone, I managed to eat poorly and exercise very little.

Actually, it's probably because I spent Christmas alone that I misbehaved. I don't bother cooking properly for myself - "peel carrots for one? stuff that!".

After too much pasta, ice-cream and beer I'm now well and truly ready for a head of lettuce and a glass of water for lunch.

The man is back now so I feel like cooking properly and I'm suitably ashamed for not giving myself food of the same quality as I give to other people. Slap on the wrist and opportunity to learn for Euphie.

So today I'll take Trevor the Wonderbike out for a spin. I bought him a new tail light for Christmas (ok, I was in Rebel Sport and picked one up with my other shopping). With a whole week before the gym opens I need to make the most of the extra time it gives me before work each day. I can actually get up an hour later than normal, go for a one hour ride and still get to work in plenty of time. I don't think I'd do this instead of the gym once it reopens, but it is a good option for when I can't get there.

At Rebel I was actually looking for those stretchy rubber bands you can use for resistance exercises. I want to use one to help with my stretching and general flexibility but they just didn't have any bands to buy by themselves. They did have a kit with three bands and a pilates DVD so I splashed out and got that instead. If I take down the Christmas tree today I'll have some room to try out the pilates stuff.

As well as the new tail light and the stretchy bands, I bought two new pair of gym pants/trackies. They were only $37 each which is about half price for Running Bare stuff. I really like Running Bare products - good quality, made in Australia and they go up to size 22. Unlike a lot of other sports wear brands, they don't assume that the only people who want to do any exercise are those size 6-14. I got some size 20s but could have got the 18s in retrospect. I can always alter them if there is any danger of them falling down. Man I'm glad I know how to alter clothes. What do other people do - just chuck stuff when it gets a bit big?

Anyway I think I'll send Running Bare an email to tell them they rock.

Ok, just went to www.runningbare.com.au and sent them an email. Also registered while I was there so I'll get their newsletter and discounts and stuff. They have HEAPS of gear online and it's cheaper than Rebel. WOO HOO!

Back to the plan for the next week.

- get reacquainted with Trevor
- take down the Christmas tree and try out the pilates DVD
- back to tracking everything on CK to make sure I follow the recommendations from the Bodyscan guy.
- Enjoy the extra bit of sleep for the next three work days and make the most of the days off and the possibilities of exercise.

Geez I'm going to have a sore bum tomorrow - poor Trev has been in the shed all year.

Paying for my sins..

2010-12-19T15:45:00.004+11:00

Well, I now know what Ballan station looks like at 1am. I know this because I slept past my stop on the Ballarat train and ended up in Ballan. I could have been worse, I could have woken up in Ballarat.

So a half hour wait at the station at 1am and the taxi arrives. $50 later and I'm at home eating a sandwich and knowing that I'll have a fantastic hangover in the morning.

Yep, the work Christmas party was on Friday night. There was quite a bit of good quality champagne and very little food. As a result I was smashed. I behaved but I was a bit wobbly on the high heels. See above for evidence of inebriation.

So, the photographic evidence was good and bad. Bad because I didn't look quite as devastatingly gorgeous as I thought (imagine that). Good because it gave me a bit of a shock and made me think "a bit more gym and a few less pies for you my dear". Not in a woe is me I'm so fat and nobody will ever love me sort of way - more in a timely reminder to focus on the task at hand sort of way.

Anyway, my frock was fantastic and I'm glad I shortened the strap to make it a bit less revealing. I had a great time, I've got some hilarious photos and I've got my mojo back for fitness, weight loss and general being good to myself.

Now for the last week of work except for Wednesday which I have off - I'm getting a DEXA scan and catching up for coffee with Jess, fellow blogger and CKer. All in all, a good end to the year.

December goals

2010-12-05T21:22:00.003+11:00

I put up the Christmas tree last night. This morning I wrapped all the presents and put them under the tree. I love wrapping presents and they do look good. If my man's 9 year old niece doesn't squeal with delight at the wrapping on her present I'll be very disappointed.

Actually, I will have to get the interstate report on that. The man is going to Wauchope for Christmas with his people and as I'm working over the period (except the public holidays and weekends of course), I'm staying put. I'd quite like to have him here for Christmas but I don't envy him the travel.

So we are well and truly into December now. This week is going to be big. We start at the new office tomorrow so I'll have to get in early and unpack all of my stuff.

On Wednesday I'm doing a fun run. When I paid my entry fee I had great plans of being able to run the whole thing, but now I know I'll be walking 90% and jogging the rest in bits. That's ok, I'm just going to have fun, enjoy the extra 5km exercise for the day and get a free tshirt.

So this week (my weigh in day is Friday) I lost 1.3kg. I'm now 117.3kg. Considering I was hovering around in the 118s for all of November it's good to be moving down again. My goal for December is to get under 114kg so with four weigh ins to go I'll reach that with an average of 850g per week.

I'm finding that monthly goals might be the best way for me to approach things. The bigger goals are a bit much for me to think about right now so I'll just set a goal of a few kilos by the end of each month. Now I just need to make sure I don't get ahead of myself and plot out where I'll be at the end of each month for the next year and write it into a spreadsheet.

I just have to avoid getting ahead of myself. Keep in mind the long term goal but focus on the short term.

In Hobart with the Hobbits

2010-12-02T21:08:00.000+11:00

I'm at Hobart International Airport - which is kind of like a shed with a food court, bless.

It's pretty cool when you land in Hobart and you feel like you've landed in Griffith - it just doesn't feel like a capital city.

So I've been working out of the Hobart office today. It's a lot of traveling for six hours' work but it needs to be done. I'll go through security shortly and maybe buy some fudge for the man. Its the whole thing of bringing back a present when you go away - even if you only go away to an interstate office.

Last night I got the fella to take some pics of me. I was going to put them on my blog with pics from a few months ago and say "oh, haven't I done well", but unfortunately I compared them and I could see bugger all difference.

This was REALLY deflating, and I even had a dream that my PT was grilling me about what I was eating because he couldn't believe I hadn't lost more weight. I was feeling a bit down about it all.

Anyway, when I got on the plane this morning I was pretty happy to discover that I'm a lot more comfortable in the seats - so hooray for me. I might not have been able to see much difference in the pics but I certainly felt it in terms of how I fit into the seat.

That's about it for today. I only have 2 minutes left on the public pc so I'll sign off. I will get home around 8pm tonight so we will have something easy for dinner like pasta. I got an SMS from vline saying there were delays of up to an hour on most services due to extreme weather conditions. I might even get home before the fella does

Running like a drunk octopus

2010-11-30T20:10:00.000+11:00

After yesterday's sad effort where I really struggled to do 2km on the bike and 3km on the treadmill, today was bloody fantastic.

I did 5km on the bike in the same time as yesterday's 2km and I cut over 2 mins off my 3km treadmill time.

I've been reading "The New Runner" (Bingham/Hadfield) this week. Yes, I used to go for a little 3 - 4 km run each night about six years ago, but frankly I'm starting from scratch with running. Even though I know the only way to get back into running is to start with walking and add bits of running until the bits all join up and I'm running non-stop, it just didn't feel like I was even close to starting out. I didn't have any enthusiasm or drive to do it. Today was different.

Today I really enjoyed the running bits of my treadmill adventure. I walk at 6kmph for three or four minutes and then jog at 8kmph for a minute and just keep repeating this. Today I wanted to be able to jog for a lot longer than a minute but I have to be realistic about what I'm capable of. I need to get the balance between pushing myself appropriately and being realistic about overdoing it and injuring myself. The cardiovascular system is capable of more than the musculo-skeletal system at the moment and I have to pace myself with the slowest competitor.

Anyway, the jogging was great. I just wanted to keep doing more hence the 3-4 minute gap between jogs instead of 5 mins. My breathing was good and I could really feel the difference between when I was breathing well and getting enough oxygen and when I was not. Basically what I'm trying to say is that today it clicked and I wanted to be a runner again. Up until now, I've wanted to want to be a runner - if you get the difference.

So now I've got the running bug again that will be my focus. I'll talk to PT Quagmire tomorrow and tell him that my plan is to really thrash it until the end of the year to get under 114kg that all I want to do in my life is run. Anyone who has been or is a runner will know what I mean by this, it's just a craving for running like a craving for coffee. You can't ignore it and you get as cranky as hell if you don't run. Although I really am starting from scratch and there is a lot more walking than jogging, it feels really good to be in this mindset again.

I'm a runner again. It doesn't matter that I'm slow or bad at it or that I don't run consistently for very long - that's not what its about.

Back at work

2010-11-29T20:55:00.001+11:00

I'm back at work today. I won't lie - I'd rather not have to do this whole earning a living thing. But if I have to do it my current gig isn't the worst way to go about it.

Leading up to my three weeks off I got really slack and wasted a heap of time. Now I'm feeling refreshed I'm in a much better mood and I'm actually keen to do some work.

We are relocating our office on 6 December which will provide a fresh start. It does mean I have to get rid of a heap of crapola I've collected over the past five years. I have manuals on how to divide superannuation assets following divorce according to the prevailing laws of 2003. I have never used these, or the drafts for letters to pension holders saying "please complete this form is you are still alive". So much paper! Blergh!

So I'm having a paper purge and it feels really good. I want to get the desktop mess down to about five folders and half a linear metre of manuals. According to the seating plan for the new office, I'll be sharing a hub with my boss - so I'd better keep it under control. She's not as tolerant of mess as I am.

Anyway, I was back to the gym today for a non PT session. I hadn't really done a lot of cardio during my hols so I struggled on the treadmill. Still, I managed to get my half hour done as well as 12 mins on the bike. Together with lack of sleep (I sleep badly on Sunday nights) I'm pretty pleased with what I managed.

Being back at work reminds me of how easy it is to stick to an eating plan during a work week. Not only is my day very structured, but I'm also less able to wander around snacking - both because of snack availability and because I don't really want to be seen stuffing my face at work. The perennial fat-girl trick; don't eat chips and lollies at work and your colleagues won't notice you're fat. Yeah, right.

Also, at work in the city I have access to sashimi, salad sandwiches and all sorts of healthy lunch options. Given that I get up at 5.30 and get home at 19.30, packing lunch is not something I'm prepared to do these days. I bring my own snacks, but I buy lunch. I can afford to, I enjoy the variety and at the moment the ten minutes I'd spend packing lunch is better spent in sleeping.

I will have even less inclination to eat badly in public when we move offices. My boss is one of those never-been-fat people who says things like "Steph should lose weight" as though it has never occurred to Steph that she is obese and its just a matter of "Oh, really? Well that's what I'll do. Thanks for the advice".

Maybe it is a simple matter of deciding to lose weight and just doing it for people who don't have a weight problem. Like deciding to grow your hair long or get a tattoo - it might just be as simple as that. But I'll never know because I'll never be a person without a weight problem. Even when I get to goal it will still be there - like being an alcoholic, you are only ever in remission. Its weird to think that at every meal I'll think about the calories, protein, fat, carbs, how it fits into my daily limits and what I can have for the next meal if I have this now. I know this will become more of a subconscious thing which practice, but I'll never know what it's like to not obsess about food and that's pretty sad.

Still, it's reality. For whatever reason, I get to spend my life thinking about food differently to other people and I just need to get on and manage it.

Saturday Night

2010-11-27T23:08:00.002+11:00

It's Saturday night. Back to work on Monday.

As much as I'd prefer not to have to work, the daily routine of work does make the food and exercise stuff easier. Get up, have snack, go to gym, have breakfast, work, lunch, work, home, dinner. It doesn't leave much time for other stuff but I actually do more in a day than I used to before I started going to the gym.

I'm out the door before 6am and home by 7.30pm every weekday.

So at the moment it's 11.17pm on Saturday and I should go to bed. Lots to do tomorrow because we have a property inspection next Tuesday and the place is a sty. I'm watching an episode of the Muppet Show. The guest is Elton John and it's just making me want to buy a copy of Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.

Anyway - because I'll be back at work next week, I will also be going back to the gym each day and only have PT once a week. I want to really go hard at it for the rest of the year. Make the most of the fact that I get to the gym around 7am and don't really have to leave until 9 if I don't want to . I'll do a full hour each day and do some long walks on the weekends.

So time to set a mini-goal for the end of the year. Ok, so by 31 December I want to be under 114kg. Any number from 113.9 and under is good. So that means I'll need to focus and get a kilo a week off.

But I'm tired now and not really constructing useful sentences. Time to brush my teeth and go to bed.

I'll just watch Pigs in Space first. Did you ever notice how much Zap Brannigan looks like Link Heartthrob?

Legs, scans and phones

2010-11-26T11:20:00.003+11:00

Ok, just a quicky because I didn't elaborate on the legs not working thing in my previous post.

Went to gym on Tuesday morning before trip to Woodend. Did lots of leg stuff but didn't feel as though it was really that tough at the time. Wednesday morning legs didn't work well. Very sore.

Thursday morning was late for PT because I missed the train. It took me an extra 8 minutes to walk to the train because my legs were still stuffed! Did lots of arm stuff though and am glad they don't hurt today.

Booked a DEXA scan. The first one is free so I thought why not. It's booked for 8 December. I'm owed a day in lieu for working Cup day so I might just have the day off. I'm doing a fun run (waddle) that day so I might just bum around town.

Got a new phone. It does cool things - the best things are a really good calendar and it does Excel spreadsheets! Little baby ones! How cool. Best $200 I've spent for ages (prepaid, Optus).

Ok. Now I'll go away.

Nearly work time

2010-11-26T09:45:00.007+11:00

As usual, the end of my annual leave is upon me and I'm thinking about squeezing all the things I should have done in three weeks into the last three days.

Still, I'm pretty happy. I got some rest and a break from work. I did PT twice a week which was a good idea because I didn't do much else on the non PT days and I didn't gain or lose any weight. This is good too because I could have just sat around eating my body weight in toast and watched Dr Phil.

Our little mini-break in Woodend was nice. We headed down on the train after G finished work on Tuesday and checked in. It was a very warm day so it was perfect for drinking beer. We had "beer paddles" which are wooden paddles that look like a breadboard with a handle and spots for eight x 50mL tasting samples of the different beers.

OMG!!!! I love beer!

Eight different beery delights. So good. I love microbreweries. So we had our beer paddles and also three pints and dinner. I was completely smashed. There was a time when I could drink nearly four pints and not be rolling drunk but I'm afraid those days are in the past my dears.

We went to bed, G threw guest soaps at me so I threw a roach bait at him. We carried on like idiots and then fell asleep. I was smart enough to drink a heap of water before bed so although I was very tired the next day I didn't feel too bad at all.

Oh yeah, but my legs didn't work anymore. I'll explain shortly.

So we decided that this would be a very grand spot for G's 40th birthday next year.

My family mark a birthday by posting a card and a not very well considered present (usually old lady perfume or a kitchen gadget I'll never ever use. Bless). G's family mark a birthday by all driving for a day or two and spending time together.

I tell you, it's very weird for me to be around. It's not as though my family are at war or don't like each other, but we just get on with our own lives and don't cross over the friends and family stuff. I've got friends and I have a family, and never the twain shall meet.

G's family are always calling each other and talking and driving across the country to visit each other. It's very weird for me.

So anyway, next August his two brothers and their wives and his parents will descend upon Woodend to celebrate G's 40th. He will probably also invite one or two mates and their respective gals if they have them and my sister and brother in law. (Ok, it looks like my sister sort of crosses over into the friends arena).

There will also be three kids under 10 there courtesy of his older brother. My suggestion is that we stick floaties on them and chuck them in one of the malting vats to stir up the ingredients. I might be best not to raise this option.

But why so much thought now about something that isn't going to happen for nine months? Well, let me blow you away with the force of my insecurity.

Ok - most people think they are kind of weird looking, or not pretty enough or something else that means they should be living underground with the mutants. I have a particularly strong sense of this. Let me give you a list of whey I'm in the running for queen of the mutants.

- I'm fat (yep, bet you didn't know that one)

- I'm very pale - VERY pale, not cool in the land of beaches and melanoma. I have white eyelashes damn it!

- I'm tall-ish. Properly tall girls please forgive me here. I think tall is 5"10" and over. I'm 5'8", but it's enough to be a few inches taller than about 85% of women and 50% of men. Especially in Melbourne, land of the freakishly short (seriously, check it out one day. It's weird). Not only does being taller make you more conspicuous, but tall and fat adds up to scary, blokey, hefty dimensions whereas those who are short and fat still get to be "tiny" in some way. Even someone who is 5' by 5' can be "cute" and "little" if not dainty. I just feel like a clydesdale amongst the show ponies.

- Big boobs. Like, HUGE. Like when I win the lottery I'm getting them reduced. Yeah, this does improve with weight loss, but even at 75kg they were DD-E cups and they are painful, heavy things to carry around. Apart from that, it makes people stare, think you are either a trollop or matronly and clothes never fit.

- Nearly blind. Ok, not really because I can still drive but I'm legally blind in one eye. It means I can't catch a ball, I walk into things and I look a bit weird.

- I'm socially clumsy. I say stupid stuff and because I'm very direct and I don't do the "hi sweetie, OMG, la la la" fluffy crap I probably come across as a bit of a too direct.

Despite this list, I actually get on with life pretty well but I kind of feel like the big ol' country woman playing at being a lady.

This will be made worse by the fact that apart from G and my sister's husband, everyone else is going to be tiny. Not necessarily slim, but my shortarse sister at 5'6" will have the new experience of being the third tallest person in the room. G's parents and brothers are all about 5'3". Maybe a tiny bit taller for his brothers and much shorter for the women. I don't think any of them are over 5' tall. How G got to be 6' tall I'll never know.

So I'm going to feel like the big lumbering oaf in a room full of Hobbits and the fatter I am the more I'll feel this way.

My task then between now and August is to get as gorgeous as possible. Strip off that damn fat, shape those muscles, get a fabulous dress and go in there looking gorgeous.

I know that none of the people there are going to give a shit about how pretty I look or don't, because they are all (except for one of his sisters in law who is a skank), really lovely people. I just want to feel confident and dare I say it, attractive. I would like G to feel a bit smug because the best looking girl in the room is there with him.

A lot of work ahead of me then. Yes, naturally I did do the Excel spreadsheet where I work out the net result of losing 1kg per week between now and then. Even if I manage that I'll be 83kg. I'd have to lost 1.2kg per week to make it to 76kg which is still a bit heavy - so I'm not unaware of how big this task is and the impact of stuffing around for a month.

This means a couple of things from this moment on:

1- track my calories and stick to them
2- exercise every day without fail (this means do something on the weekends too)
3- when I'm at the gym, go really hard to get the most out of the time I'm there
4- be prepared and organised with food at work so I'm not starving two hours before lunch without a banana in sight. This is what leads to violet crumbles.
5- maintain focus. When I'm stressed about stuff, I tend to lose the plot and just get disorganised and undisciplined. I need to be careful to recognise this when it's happening and do something about it.

Sounds like a plan. Time to make a shopping list so I can make sure 1 and 4 are all sorted.

I'll have to write a second post about my legs not working.

Still stuffing about.

2010-11-22T10:33:00.003+11:00

First day of week three of my holidays. Just stuffing around and deciding if I should have a shower or a bath. Yes, these are the big decisions I face.

The only thing I have to do is finish a dress I'm making as a display sample for the knitting shop. I've already been paid for it so I'd better get cracking and just finish the bloody thing. I might stick a picture on here because it's very cute. Once that is done I can get all of my Christmas present knitting and sewing done. Such a nanna!

Tomorrow after the man finishes work we are heading off to Woodend. He has an RDO the next day so we are staying overnight at the Holgate Brewhouse. Mmmm... beer....

Anyway, there may be some consumption of fancy beers involved.

I'd better remember the earplugs because the fella is a pretty good snorer. Usually we are spared from each others' sleeping habits because we have separate rooms. This works very well because we both get better sleep, but it does make it weird when you have to share a bed at a hotel.

I've never thought it was "romantic" to share a bed and all the farts, snores, restless sleep and sleep talking that goes with it. So sorry folks if that means we are not a "proper" couple but at least the only snoring I have to listen to is the cat (yes, he snores but if I turn him over he stops and a snoring cat is adorable).

PT twice a week has worked out pretty well over the past two weeks. I'm not really doing a lot else apart from the PT which is the opposite of what I had planned. I'm not actually stressed about it though. My weight is going down steadily and I haven't exactly been sitting around watching telly and eating toast. I've been doing stuff, just not structured exercise. I've quite liked the lack of structure.

So today I've been thinking about the early stages of weight loss and getting fit and how it messes up your perspective a bit.

Since joining the gym about two months ago I've been going from "I'm so great I can run a marathon by Thursday" to "I'm an old woman and I think I need to have a lie down after my PT session". I think it's because the PT sessions surprise me in how much I can do and also make me very aware of how much I can't. It can be tricky to find balance and not over estimate how far you'll get in a period of time.

It's a bit like when you start losing weight. If you are measurement and lists person like me, you'll probably make up a simple Excel spreadsheet to record weight-loss and project how long it will take you to get to goal losing 1kg per week. Because you WILL lose 1kg a week. All the books say you should aim for 1/2 to 1kg per week and you are more talented than everyone else so of course you'll lose the full kilo.

Got 20kg to lose? Easy, see you in 20 weeks and we'll go and celebrate.

But life doesn't really work that way. You might have weeks or months of no loss. It could be a plateau, you might be simply eating more than you need, you could wang your ankle and not be able to exercise or you could just have a lot of social events and drink more than usual.

I've decided that I don't have to be either super-optimistic and set really tight deadlines or be a bit sad about how far I have to go. I don't think either mindset is terribly helpful. Instead I'm just going to accept that it's a complex situation and that its not inappropriate to have two seemingly contradictory views at the same time.

So in light of this, and my list-lust, here are two lists.

Things I've achieved so far.
- have never lifted weights before and am now doing this
- have dropped about 5kg
- I look forward to and enjoy the gym
- I'm past that weird "itch" feeling when you just start exercising and sweating just makes you feel itchy
- I can feel muscles where there were not any before (well, not noticeably)
- I don't get the 3pm slump anymore
- I haven't had a back pain for ages
- I'm more flexible

Things I get to look forward to
- being able to run for a decent stretch of time
- looking slimmer
- feeling fitter
- getting into some clothes that are currently a bit tight
- Watching the number on the scales go down
- doing a few fun-runs

I love a good list! So now I have to go and do the exciting things like hang out my laundry and post some Christmas presents. I might even put up the Christmas tree (yes, I know its a bit early). I might also book a DEXA scan. It can't hurt and it will be interesting at least even if I don't really NEED to do it.

Anyway, the laundry awaits!

Sore arms.

2010-11-10T16:19:00.003+11:00

Yep, sore arms today. Looks like the weights from yesterday were heavier than they seemed. Well, they seemed heavy at the time but I kind of assume that anything I can lift must be kind of light because I'm lifting it and I'm not that strong. I don't know - maybe I am.

I might have a quick google and be back..

Nah, couldn't find anything. I'm pretty sure that I'm bench pressing 55 then 45 then 20kg - three sets with decreasing weight. Is this good? Is this strong? I have NO IDEA. I suspect it's not becuase it's the second time I've ever done it in my life.

Oh well, it's not a competition but I would have liked to feel as though I had some sort of innate natural talent. I'm sure I have a talent for something, if only I could work out what.

Tomorrow is cardio day with the PT. Boxing apparently. I have not done that for ages and I hope I have some sort of form left but I doubt it.

Day two of annual leave

2010-11-09T17:08:00.003+11:00

Quite sleepy this afternoon. I went to the gym today for my 8am PT session. I caught the train in with my fella so I really got there at about 10 past 7 which is ok. Stuff around a bit and just walk on the treadmill so I don't get too stuffed for my PT.

Trainer Quagmire said "you're early" and I agreed - but I wasn't that early. Then I started to think, was today my 8am session or my 9.15am session? Hmmmmm....

So he moseys past again probably thinking there is something wrong with me for doing a 2 hour warmup. I asked him it today was 8 or 9 and he said 9, so I said "der" and went out for a coffee and came back at 8.30.

Idiot.

I got a big warmup though and a very good coffee which helped a lot because I was feeling a bit dodgy. In my session I lifted heaps of weights and did step-ups and I was just a bit stuffed. Not as mjch as I thought I would be. I must be getting stronger.

For the next three weeks I'm doing two sessions a week because I am leave from work and I don't want to end up slacking off. Might as well make the most of being able to spend ages in the shower and not have to get all dolled up for work. After my session this Thursday I get a coffee "if I'm good". Actually, I think I get a coffee anyway. Quagmire (sorry, Jason) wants to have a talk about my plans and goals and stuff. Also, he probably wants a coffee and an audience too. He's an odd man but I do like him.

I'm really enjoying the gym. Some days I don't want to do much but I still do at least 40 minutes of cardio and I feel better for it. PT makes it more fun because it adds variety and Jason is very funny and fun. Also, it's nice to have someone do the thinking for me once a week. "Do this now" - I don't even have to put my own weights onto the bar. It's kind of nice.

Now I need to really focus on the food thing. I've lost a few kilos and I've put on a heap of muscle (you have GOT TO feel my biceps - they are freakin' huge!) but I need to shift more fat now. It's time to get outside and run instead of just talking about it.

So, tomorrow morning I'll be up when it's still a bit cool and see if I can run 200m without needing a taxi ride home.

Quick "Woo-hoo"

2010-10-15T16:04:00.002+11:00

Just back from the doctor who told me nothing new - I've got a lurgy and should just rest for a while. It's annoying to have to pay money for this just because I need a medical certificate for my work. Oh well...

Anyway, the doctor took my blood pressure and it was.......(drum roll please....)

110/70

Yay! That's really good, and it was a high blood pressure reading at our workplace checkup that gave me a kick in the pants and got me back on track. Yes, my weight loss goal is going to take me a year, but I've now achieved my blood pressure goal. It feels so good!

Sick

2010-10-15T08:57:00.002+11:00

I've been at home since Wednesday with some sort of biblical plague type disease. Throat abscesses, general dead feeling and now I'm just a big old snot fountain.

My cat who has been presenting me with various dead animals which is weird. He hasn't done this for years but in the last week I've been given three little gifts of tiny corpses. He must be gong through a mid-life crisis. Pretending to be a young, ambitious cat again.

Because of being sick I haven't been to the gym since Monday. The fella said that every day a different bloke who works there asks about me and where I've been. It's nice to be famous.

Depending on how I feel, I should be able to go back on Monday. I'm starting to feel a bit healthier today so by then I might be up to at least some treadmill walking.

Despite my lack of gym visits and not tracking my food I've lost 800g this week. It feels like some of the good habits are really getting into my head because although I haven't been tracking, I have been automatically making pretty good choices. Ok, I did have a Cornetto last night but I'm SICK dammit! I'm allowed to have a Cornetto when I'm sick.

Back off to bed for me now.

A loss and some beer..

2010-10-09T13:07:00.004+11:00

Have changed my weigh in day to Friday so I can drink a few cups of coffee and eat toast in bed on Saturday morning instead of waking up and getting on the scales. Also, because I like to have two or sometimes three beers on Friday night, I avoid weighing in on what becomes my "heaviest" day of the week. I kind of bloat up the morning after beer.

So although it's only a psychological trick to please my ego through weighing in on a "lighter" day, I've decided it does no harm to use this trick and keep myself amused.

This week (yesterday) my weight was 118.1kg. That's a loss of 800g since the previous week which is fantastic - especially considering there were only two gym visits and I only really ate well Tuesday through to Friday.

The focus this coming week it to go hard at the gym and keep my food balance, interesting and healthy. I can expect to get into the 117s, which will feel great.

I'm going to have a nanna nap this afternoon and then go for a walk around 5pm. Because it's daylight saving (hooray!) I can make more of my evenings on the weekend. Tomorrow the fella and I walk out to the fruit markets which ends up being a one hour round-trip.

Super Euphie!

2010-10-07T20:52:00.000+11:00

Yesterday I discovered that I can actually run on a treadmill without:
a) dying
b) breaking the treadmill
c) falling off (because I can't adjust the speed buttons and run at the same time)

So today I did my 30 mins on the treadmill with one out of every five minutes running. That is walk for four (fast walk), run for one. I'm a superstar!

I changed my sportsbra from normal straps to crossover back and that helped with the boobage support. Now all I need is one for my belly and all will be well. Although the belly is shrinking somewhat anyway.

I'm starting to see changes in my body. Well, obviously I would after four weeks at the gym. My clothes fit better, the number on the scales has gone down, I'm feeling better eating a lot less and I just don't get that 3pm brain death that I used to get. I do need to have a super-early night once or twice a week (like in bed before 9.30pm) just to top off the sleep tank. Still, sleeping is one of my favourite activities so I won't complain.

Wow - it doesn't seem like four weeks - I've beat the first hurdle of odds. About half the people who join a gym last a month. Another 35% last three months. Only 15% stick with it, turn up regularly and basically get some value for money. Scary, scary stuff - but good for me because all the slackers can subsidise my costs! Huzzah!

Really looking forward to the 5km walk/run at Albert Park on 8 Dec. I wonder how much I will be able to run at that point? I don't really care - I'm going to have a ball!

Personal Training and Cat Food

2010-10-06T20:55:00.000+11:00

Yes - I packed cat food for breakfast this morning. I went to the trouble last night of putting some Ryvitas and what I thought was a little tin of tuna in my bag and after gym this morning I discover it's a tin of Goumet kitty delight (which my cat is too much of a gourmet to eat).

So breakfast was fruit salad - we have boxes of fruit delivered to work and I chopped up an apple, a banana and a grapefruit. Honestly, who puts a grapefruit in an office fruit basket? Still, I'm a fan of those bitter little orbs and it died a good death.

I'm mildly stuffed after the gym this morning. I think of the weights machine days as lazy days because they aren't cardio but I've changed my opinion now. Firstly, I've pushed up the weights a bit where I can and am doing my reps faster - no more lazy, slow reps. Secondly, I've added some extra treadmill time after the weights and before my stretching. This loosens me up a bit after the crunches and other exertions.

But today was different, today I RAN ON THE TREADMILL!

I can't remember how long it has been since I've done that - actually, it's been at least four years. Think about that. I have not run for four years! Apart from missing out on one of the greatest joys of movement, it makes me sad that I went from going for a nice little 4km six

Muesli and Sweat

2010-10-05T20:56:00.000+11:00

Back at work today after a day in bed with the blahs/migraine.

I went to the gym this morning and it was a bit of a struggle. 30 mins on a treadmill seemed like such a long time - the good thing was that I pushed up the resistance on the bike which may be why the treadmill felt a bit hard afterwards. Oh well, I'm not going there to do things I find easy. I did cop out of the rower though because I was experiencing some hip and lower back pain. Nothing crippling but definitely pain rather than just discomfort. I think I'll start getting regular massages.

I've found an excellent pre-gym snack. I just can't go to the gym on an empty stomach because I just feel like throwing up. Also I have to take some medication that doesn't sit well on an empty stomach.

Over the past few weeks I've been having a piece of toast. This is ok but I get up at 5.15 and cooking (even toast) cuts into my "out the door in 25 mins" time. Also, I've been having more refined carbohydrates that I think I should. I'm all for carbohydrates - wonderful things - but a piece of toast doesn't really pack much of a punch in terms or fibre and protein.

My new pre-gym snack is a muesli bar. I generally don't like these because they are too sweet and not really healthy at all when you weigh up the wholegrains vs sugars. This weekend I got some Uncle Tobys Bodywise high fibre bars. They are sweet but not overly, and they pack a whopping 12 grams of fibre.

Also, I can eat them on the train.

So I'll see how I go with these for a while, but I think they'll keep me satifsified longer. Although I have real breakfast at around 8.15am, it does feel like a long stretch to lunch at 1.30.

And that's about it really - just me talking about museli and sweat. But not together.
Mus

Sick

2010-10-04T09:04:00.002+11:00

I'm off work today with a shocking case of the non-specific blerghs. Splitting headache, sore throat, exhausted and generally crap feeling. I was going to take and aspirin and get over myself but I remembered that there really is no prize for having sixty days of sick leave saved up so I'm using a day to drink tea in bed, knit and complain about young folk.

Friday, Saturday and Sunday were each an adventure in overeating. Nothing major or what I'd call a binge, just not in the interests of weight loss. Stupid PMT - I'm going to start tracking this closely so I can pinpoint the days where I want to eat everything not nailed down and plan around them. Still, the urge to swallow the planet has now gone and its business as usual.

I'll probably go for a walk with the man tonight as he didn't go to the gym - didn't adjust his alarm for daylight savings so missed his wakeup. As long as I feel up to it I think a 60 minute walk can only make me feel better rather than worse. That and some Advil.

I got many of the things on my list (previous post) done so I feel as though I had a fairly productive weekend. I was thoroughly pissed off with the man though. He managed to spend at least 14 hours each day playing frigging x-box. Yes, he's an adult and can do what he wants with his time but it still gives me the shits. I don't even get the time of day out of him and he only drags himself out of his cave to eat, and only then if I actually prepare something.

So I decided that I simply shouldn't care what he does with his weekend. Next weekend I'll just take myself off somewhere that I can have some human conversation and he can go blind sitting in the dark with the telly. I can't change what he does but I can change my response to it and whether I decide to be near it. I don't.

That's enough of my rant about him.

Other things from the weekend - I coloured my hair and it's WAY too dark. Ah well, what can you do? I might get some stripper and put it through - I'll see what my enthusiasm levels are later today. Colour stripper stinks so bad though.

I weighed in on Saturday and have lost 100g. Normally I'd be a bit disappointed with that but I'm not. It's a loss instead of a gain and it coincided with me puffing up like a fugu fish with PMT. So yay for losing 100g.

Now I think I'll have a shower and drag myself back to bed for a while. I hope I don't end up getting REALLY sick because I'm just don't have time for that right now.

A day off..

2010-10-01T08:57:00.000+10:00

Following yesteday's long post in which I basically struggle to justify to myself not going to the gym - I actually had a day off today and slept in.

I'm not good at letting myself have a break from things but I'm glad I did. I feel refreshed and happy. It's amazing what a difference 10 hours sleep makes. I was dead on my feet by 6pm last night when I left work and I had a snooze on the train. (Luckily I did NOT sleep past my stop and wake up in Ballarat).

So what to do this weekend? Due the the AFL people having another crack at their grand final, the soccer is not on this weekend. That's actually good. It was meant to be this Saturday but will now be next Friday. I'd rather go after work because it doesn't cut into my weekend.

As I have a full weekend without any commitments AND the weather will be brilliant, I want to make sure I don't waste it. Tonight after work I'll do all my laundry and hang it out. One major job sorted. I'll also make a shopping list tonight so I can get the shopping out of the way early on Saturday too. Apart from cleaning the bathroom, weeding the garden and sorting out my knitting stash that's all of my weekend jobs done. I'll have the rest of it to do whatever the hell I want.

So what do I want to do with my weekend? I want to:
- read the paper,
- read some books I have almost finished,
- typeset a few knitting patterns and put them on my knitting website/ravelry,
- finish the back and sleeves of a sample baby dress I'm making for Morris and Sons' shop,
- go for a walk/run to get a feel for 5km - need to do this on both Saturday and Sunday
- play piano,
- make some healthy muffins for work lunches,
- go for a bushwalk,
- do some sewing.

That's probably enough and I might need some beer to fuel this activity but I'll just see how I go. Still, a beer on a Friday night. Mmmm....

I bought a sports watch this morning. It's not a fancy one - it's basically a digital watch with a stopwatch and lap-timer built in. It cost all of $20 and it the coolest, scary shade of canary yellow. I'm very into yellow at the moment which is probably because it's spring and I'm feeling all happy.

As I said at the beginning of this post, it's amazing what a difference 10 hours' sleep makes. I'm feeling so happy and energetic today that I am just going to dive head-first into the weekend and have a bloody good time.

Slightly broken

2010-09-30T20:18:00.002+10:00

For a long time (a few decades) I thought I was lazy because that's what I was called by my parents. This stayed with me and it was only this year that I reconsidered my position on the matter.

I asked my fella if he thought I was lazy. He said I was one of the least lazy people he had ever met. He raised a few examples: work was extra busy so I just put in a few extra hours each day, things need doing around the house so I just do them and of course my inability to just sit around and do nothing.

So with that bit of feedback I have decided that I really am not lazy, in fact I might be one of those very annoying, industrious people. I do know that I feel bad about taking time off for anything. You know, annual leave, sick leave, leaving work a bit early to attend to a personal errand - all of those things that will result in the downfall of a company that in the grand scheme of things wouldn't pause if I ceased to exist.

The fact that I can't do things by halves sometimes works against me. My rather blunt response to people who dither is "you can do it or not do it - these are your options". So for the first time in a very long time I've decided to give myself permission to not do something.

Tomorrow I give myself permission to sleep in and not go to the gym. I need to be realistic about the need for a break - just because my workout doesn't seem like a lot to me, to my body it actually is. I needed to remind myself that 30 mins on the treadmill, 10 mins on the bike and 15 mins on the rower - all going as hard as I can - is a significant workload, especially for an essentially unfit 120kg woman closer to 40 than 30.

I actually don't see anyone else at the gym doing 55 mins of work and then stretching every weekday so it's quite possible that I'm working kind of hard.

After all of that trying to justify a day off from the gym, I'm going to reset my alarms for a 7am wakeup (instead of 5.15am) and then go to bed for 10 hours of sleep.

Weigh in and reflections on exercise calories

2010-09-26T08:38:00.004+10:00

Jumped on the scales and they read 119 even. Cool, that's a 3kg loss since starting at the gym about 2.5 weeks ago.

Still need to be careful not to overestimate the impact/calorie burning of exercise. This week I'm going to focus on NOT eating my exercise calories. I'm exercising to improve health and LOSE weight, not so I can just eat more.

I'm stealing a comment from a recent post on www.craigharper.com.au. It was really interesting and was made by a woman who lost 65kg. Very impressive, and what she had to say about exercise is important.

I know a lot of fat people who work really hard at the gym but don't lose any weight. One particular friend has been saying "I haven't lost weight but I'm gaining muscle" for years now. She can't have been gaining muscle for two years because she's not bulked up at all and her body shape hasn't really changed. I know she has the mindset "I've worked out really hard so I can eat more now". It's such a shame because she does work out really hard but just hasn't lost weight in two years of going to the gym daily.

So below is the post I have stolen from Craig Harper's website:

Wanna know what losing 64kg has taught me?

It is all about what goes on between our ears. What think, what we tell ourselves and how we frame our thoughts determines our actions (diet & exercise). As for those actions, weight loss is 80% diet and 20% exercise/movement.

I ate to lose weight. I exercised to improve my bones, muscles, heart, lungs and skin.

But here’s the thing – I was an obese child and an obese adult. It took me until I was 32 to get it right. I had tried before, hell, I had been a gym-junkie all through my 20’s but never did I get under 124kg. No matter what I did and I have worked out why. I based my pursuit of healthy weight on some very simple, common and completely wrong assumptions. Namely:

* I over-estimated how much energy I was burning at the gym (“I’ve been to the gym, so I can eat whatever I like, right?”)
* I under-estimated how much energy I was consuming
* I followed the low-fat principle
* I didn’t give two-hoots about calories
* I stuck my head in the sand when it didn’t work and then consoled my sadness with * (Insert food here) *

You know, if I knew then what I know now… Weight loss isn’t rocket science but it takes commitment, consistency and a sense of realism that I think many people don’t have (case in point: recommended portion of steak vs actual served up slab of steak…) Shows like The Biggest Loser unfortunately contribute to unrealistic expectations of how much weight one can lose week in week out – I say unfortunate because Alison Braun was a big part of my inspiration to finally do something about my weight – and when it doesn’t happen, people crap out.

As long as Aussies have free choice and free will, they’ll put whatever food they want in their bodies and exercise as little or as much as they like. You can lead a horse to water and give it as much encouragement as possible but you can’t make it drink until it’s truly thirsty. (or something like that!)

Going Hard or Going Home

2010-09-24T22:35:00.000+10:00

So I've only been going to the gym for two weeks now but I can feel a lot has changed. I've got biceps! Also, I can go faster and longer on the treadmill now than I could two weeks ago. I'm at the point on the treadmill where if I go any faster I'm going to have to break into a jog. Might not be a good thing given my 120kg of weight crashing down onto my joints but I can jog for a bit and then go back to walking.

Speaking of jogging, I'm absolutely busting to get out and run. I know given my current size and fitness that it will be run for 30 secs and then walk for five minutes but this is fine. I'll just keep at it and the run breaks will get longer.

I used to go for a run every night. If you check out my blog (shrinkingeuphie.blogspot.com) and scroll down you'll see my "skinny" picture of me at the Yamaha Christmas party in 2004. That was the last time I was really active. I'd go for a run for 30 minutes every night, regardless of weather.

I went through a period when I'd ride my bike to work in 2007/2008 which was good. Since moving 55km out of Melbourne that's no longer possible and I really miss it.

It's amazing how much better I feel when I'm active. (When I say 'active' I don't mean the bare minimum of 30mins three times a week - I mean sweating and working hard). Its also amazing how easy it is to forget that good feeling when I hit a slump and drop my good habits.

I've decided that working out (whatever that means for each person) is like brushing teeth. I don't get excited about brushing my teeth but I do it because a) it needs to be done, b) it feels good once it's done and c) if I do it regularly, I'll get to enjoy the benefits for years.

Being active can be a bit harder because it takes longer to put in a session of exercise than it does to brush your teeth. Also, vigorous exercise is challenging and brushing your teeth isn't. (If it is you're doing it wrong).

So this week at the gym I've been focusing on doing what I do to the limit of my ability. My program includes 3km on the treadmill. I could mosey along on the treadmill and yap on the mobile phone while I did it or I can take the speed up as high as I can handle and even bump it up a bit higher for short stretches. Whichever way I do it, I still have to cover 3km and going harder and faster means I finish earlier. Why would I bother doing it if I'm not going to do it properly.

And that brings me to my main point about me and exercise. I've recently realised that a half-arsed effort is pointless. Yes, a 30 minute stroll is better than 30 minutes spent on the sofa but for me it's pointless going for a stroll when I can go faster and uphill. '

I've always looked for comfortable options in the past and I've always failed to maintain weight loss and healthy habits in the past. So what I was doing (gentle exercise) was not working. Vigorous exercise is.

In light of this I've decided to work towards a 5km walk/run event in December.

It doesn't matter if I end up walking the whole thing or running the whole thing. As long as what I do challenges me.

Feeling Groovy

2010-09-22T20:22:00.002+10:00

I'm feeling good. I'm actually enjoying the gym and am finding it pretty easy to get up at stupid o'clock.

My weight has gone down and I'm back under 120kg which is good.

I had an interview at work for a promotion and am fairly hopeful of getting it. I don't know who else has applied although I know some interstate people applied. So I don't know who the competition are but I'm confident that the decision makers for this role know I can do the job.

Fingers crossed.

If I don't get this job I'll still look outside the company. The boys were throwing party pies at each other tonight and I'll be damned before I'll put up with that shit. Their boss doesn't care and his boss doesn't force him to take action so they can lose me and keep the idiots. They've made their choice.

I had a heap of enthusiasm for blogging tonight but now I've finally logged on I have nothing to say. Oh well.

Daylight savings starts soon so we can go for walks after work soon. I want to get into running as soon as I safely can, so daylight saving will be good there too.

And that's about it. Short and sweet.

Spooky Turnarounds

2010-09-18T17:44:00.002+10:00

After a whole week of going to the gym I've got to say it's the best thing I've done in a very long time.

I'm very happy with the people there and the personal trainer guy who wrote out a programme for me is hilarious. Very strange man but I might actually get some personal training after I drop some weight.

The food thing has been good and bad. On work days it's easy to stick to my limits and eat only good stuff. I feel good and have heaps of energy.

On weekends it gets tricky when there is wine or beer around but that's easily fixed - we can just buy less of it or even not buy it at all.

The bad thing was actually my recent work trip to Hobart. Two days away is two days of having to eat at cafes and restaurants for every meal. We don't get to choose where we stay and the hotel we are put in has no microwave or toaster. Sure, I had the best pasta I've ever had from the takeaway round the corner, but I also had buffet breakfasts, catering morning teas and all sorts of lollies. Before my next trip I'll have to put together a plan.

I will get on the scales tomorrow and see if I've had any change after a week of gym but it's ok if there isn't. I'm just glad to have gotten into a routine that I really enjoy. I feel so much more awake, alive and healthy.

I do want to be down at least 10kg by Christmas so I need to remain focused.

Good Grief

2010-09-07T19:56:00.003+10:00

Today I was sorting through the office mail looking for something interesting. I ordered a book online and am having it delivered to work and it's due to arrive any day now.

So I'm rummaging through the mail and there is a postcard flyer for a gym in town (Melbourne town, not Bacchus Marsh). They had a "join for $1 deal" that didn't really do it for me but I know I need to do some serious exercise and have been thinking about joining a gym for a while.

I went to their website and they had a deal on a six month membership. If you join with a friend then its $11.47 per person per week. That's bloody cheap and after some serious consideration, I decided I needed to check it all out. I asked the fella if he was interested and I was actually surprised that he was.

The upshot of all this is that we have both joined up and from tomorrow morning will be going to the gym each weekday morning at 7am. This will mean getting up at stupid o'clock but I do that anyway so it's ok.

The gym was pretty good. It's small, friendly, not full of idiots in lycra, boofy blokes checking themselves out in the mirror. It seemed friendly, had all the basic gear I wanted (don't need fancy gimmicks or doofey classes) and is between the station and the office.

Now I need to pack a gym bag so I can just get up at 5.15am tomorrow, get dressed, have a coffee and go.

I'll get a program written up for me by one of the gym people. Even though G used to be a trainer (back when dinosaurs roamed the planet), I don't need him telling me what to do and he doesn't need me feeling resentful because he's telling me what to do.

I'll try to blog tomorrow night by I expect I'll be completely stuffed.

Hooray

2010-08-30T21:15:00.002+10:00

The man is ready to get moving again so we went for a walk tonight. It's on kids!

Scary Pics

2010-08-22T13:14:00.007+10:00

I thought I'd scare the crap out of myself and get the fella to take some pictures. Not entirely sure if that's a good idea but it did give me quite a wake-up call.
I'm actually surprised at how fat I look. When I first saw the pics I told myself I don't look quite that bad because the fella is taller than me so the angle of the photo is looking down a bit. Yeah, blame the angle of the photo. That makes all the difference.

Although I'm not sure what I was expecting given that I weigh 122kg, I know I wasn't expecting this. On the plus side this pic was taken just before I went for an hour walk combining roads and bush tracks. Regardless of how I look in the pictures above, going for a walk is far better than fretting about the size of my arse.

Fresh Air and Sunshine

2010-08-21T14:46:00.002+10:00

I went for a walk today at noon. The fella didn't want to come but that's ok. I went for a walk along one of the roads we used to use in summer when we only wanted about 40mins of walking. Living in Bacchus Marsh, there are plenty of roads that go off into farmland and this one goes past all the big market gardens. I got to walk past fields of green and red lettuce and a few very picturesque Hereford yearlings.

The road just stops at a dead end when it comes to the river but there are little tracks along the side of the river. I think these have been made by kids - its not what you'd call a bushwalkng track. Anyway, I decided to follow the tracks because without the fella I could. He's never been keen to go venturing like a kid so I took my chance.

I'm glad I did. The whole area is carpeted by morning glory vines and clover and there are strange pale birch or poplar trees all leaning to the south but strangely twisted looking too. It's hard to describe but I was expecting a Hobbit to jump up and say hi. I'll take photos tomorrow.

So I was rewarded in my walk by not only feeling good about getting back into it after so many months of laziness but I also got to enjoy the feeling of finding a place where I just wanted to build a cubbyhouse and hitch up a swing. It was just an overall good feeling.

My feet were a bit sore which I can't be surprised about given I can't remember the last time the sneakers went on. But the main thing is that I went and I had fun. How can I have left it so long when it makes me feel so good?

Hello?

2010-08-20T09:40:00.000+10:00

Methinks congratulations are in order. Between 8 February 2010 and Wednesday 18 August 2010 I have gained 8 kilos even. That's 42 grams per day. 292 grams per week. Wow. That's some serious dedication to fat and alcohol.

Although I'm disappointed I'm obviously not surprised. I'm glad I got on the scales and faced the music because the longer it's put off the longer it takes to get off my numberplate and do something about it.

So, back on the horse (preferably a Clydesdale because I'd squash the stockhorses I'm used to riding).

Good things:
- I got on the scales and didn't die - imagine that.
- Now the scales thing is over I get to get on with undoing the damage and continuing on my goal to 65kg
- I'm feeling enthusiastic again and although the man doesn't seem ready to join me in getting back to exercise and healthy eating, I'm ready to do it alone
- The hatred of my job which was a key contributor to my losing the plot over the past months has gone. I'm in the same job but my attitude has changed and we have moved beyond the horrible period that saw us all suffering at work.
- Winter is drawing to a close - nice weather, more daylight hours and general springy feelings make exercise so much easier and more enjoyable.

Bad things
- I wasted a few months and have lost the ground I gained. Bummer

I am so glad I'm not feeling ashamed, depressed or discouraged. Yes I am annoyed but I'm optimistic. I think that if I was at Weight Watchers during this period I would have dropped out and felt like a complete failure. Instead of thinking to myself "Back into it Euphie - healthy is more fun than not healthy" I'd be thinking "I have to go back to WW and spend money and pretend I'm excited about it".

Again, this is not meant to be a bagging of Weight Watchers. I'm a big fan in theory and I think their programme can be excellent - it's just not compatible with me or my lifestyle. I'm not a social person who likes to join in and when money (cost of meetings) gets tied into it I just go a bit psycho. I have a weird relationship with money as well as food.

As I mentioned above, I don't think the man is ready to get back into exercise and that's ok. He will be one day and when he is he can come along. I know he has put on weight too since we stopped walking daily and eating better but it's his choice about how, or if, he addresses that.

What got me into this mess was stress and laziness. I was very stressed at work - I don't think I fully realised it at the time but I HATED going in to work. In retrospect I can see that everyone at work probably felt the same. We just came out the other side of a merger and an acquisition and that's never fun. While I still think it's time for me to move on it's not a do-or-die situation.

Winter also contributed to my lack of activity. When I get up in the dark and get home in the dark and it's BLOODY FREEZING I just cant muster the energy to go outside and walk around. If I'd been at the stage that I could go for a run during winter - that would have been easier to stick to for me.

So that's a goal for next winter. Be fit enough to go for a 30 minute run each night after work. It's a lot more fun that a walk and seems to pass more quickly. Geez I miss being able to run.

That's about it really. I managed to get an appointment at the last minute for a "healthy heart check" at work today. While my blood sugar and cholesterol were excellent my waist circumference and blood pressure were not. I've never really had high blood pressure before and that was a very scary but good kick in the pants.

Even better than a kick in the pants is a kick in the pants that are a size or two smaller and in just a few weeks I'll be in those pants.

Back again

2010-04-06T08:51:00.002+10:00

Well, long time no post hey? I've been busy and focused on other things. Job hunting, sleeping, playing with the cat. All the important stuff.

So where am I with my weight loss? I don't think I've lost of gained since last recording my weight on this blog. I'll jump on the scales on the weekend and see. Maybe I've gained a kilo? Not sure, not worried. Apart from a few instances where I turned to chocolate as a stress management tool I've been pretty good on the food front.

Where I (we - include the man in this) have been not so good is in exercise. We stopped doing our daily walks and the impact on our lifestyle has been quite dramatic.

We stopped walking and found ourselves having wine on weeknights, being irritable and lazy and generally losing ground in the whole fitness and wellness stakes. In the same way that something as simple as walking daily can have a big impact on life the impact of not doing it is likewise huge.

Today we go walking again. It will be dark now but that's no excuse. Once I get a fancy new job I'll be able to finish work at 5pm like a normal person and that will make a big difference.

I'll update again soon. Just wanted to say I'm back.

Blahs part two.

2010-02-17T07:28:00.002+11:00

Well, I didn't finish my last post because putting all the stress of work in writing just made me cry. So I went to bed and had a big cry. I felt crappy for hours and had a sleep. Work should not make me feel like this. Life is too short.

So yesterday I told my boss that I have plans to look for a new job so that we need to consider consolidating the work I do into a documented, rigorous list of activities. That way when the person most likely to get my job when I leave moves in, there will be no room for him to be the big lazy nob that he has shown himself to be for the past 4 years. I can do my best to make sure things are perfect on my departure but whether nob-head stuffs them up when he takes on the role will not be my business any more.

I feel free now. I feel like I'm at work because I choose to be there while i sort my options rather than stuck there due to lack of options.

To finish - despite a poor week last week with no walks, some chocolate and bought lunches every day, I lost 300g. Yay.

I've got the blahs...

2010-02-14T10:30:00.003+11:00

Work is busy and annoying and stressful. The staff are like children. Half of them are not talking to a particular member of the team because there is a rumour that she shagged someone who used to work with us. These are people in their thirties and they are behaving like eight year olds. I'm just sick of it.

I'm so flat and exhausted at the moment. I feel like I go to work, get home, cook dinner and go to bed. It's no way to live.

I need a change. I'm going to look for a new job. I've been with my current company for 5 years and there are things about the culture of the place that give me the shits. I'm tired of managers who put up with staff who do bugger all but swear, make filthy comments and tell me to lighten up because I'm offended or annoyed. Also, since our "merger" with a company famous for gouging the companies it takes over and putting share price ahead of quality - well I'm just not happy to be there. The new CEO presided over massive sackings and then at the Christmas party made a speech about how good it was to be rid of the low hanging fruit.

So I think it's time to move on. Yes, I've now got bigger responsibilities and staff in Hobart and "Manager" in my title but that means little when it means long hours with people I'd cross the street to avoid.

I'm going to start applying for jobs. I'd like a Uni job and there is one at RMIT that looks good. The last week has been horrible. I've hated going to work which I have not done for years. The hours have been ridiculous and the steamy weather has just made me feel dead.

As a result I've bought lunch every day, not been for any walks

Five Point Update

2010-02-07T15:33:00.002+11:00

1 - Lost 500g this week.
2 - Still feel like I'm lacking focus.
3 - My back is no longer wanged so that's good.
4 - The fella and I picked up drums of olive oil in the supermarket so we could feel how much we've each lost. That was really heavy!
5 - So busy these days. Want a holiday but not likely to get one for months.

The Wanging Continues

2010-02-01T22:02:00.002+11:00

My back is still wanged - but slightly less than it was yesterday. I went to work and survived so I think I'll just wait it out. Not do anything strenuous and continue to go for walks to keep moving.

We went for a walk tonight which is good. I missed far too many walks last week due to stupid work hours and don't want to miss any this week. I might have a few nights off next week because of the horrible pain and upset tummy I get with my period - so I have to get as many walks in this week as I can.

I'm tracking diligently on Calorie King. As I've had small losses for a while now I need to see where I'm going wrong. I know - sort of. That is I know that the doughnut and cake last week were not good ideas. Neither was the Mongolian Lamb for lunch. What I don't know is exactly the impact in terms of calories, fat etc this indiscretion had on my total energy intake.

So a week of recording, making sure I walk daily and taking advantage of the increased metabolic rate during the luteal phase of my cycle. I aim to lose a kilo this week.

With that I'll log off and go to bed. Another big week at work that will not be well served by lack of sleep.

Wanged

2010-01-31T20:36:00.002+11:00

I wanged my back putting the groceries into my shopping jeep at the check out. Standing and lying down are both ok but sitting is horrible. It's bolt upright or nothing.

I've taken some analgesics and I'll see how I go in the morning. If I'm still broken I'll take a day off and go to the doctor.

The last week at work has been the hardest for a long time. 10 and 12 hour days, getting abused by our clients and trying not to get cranky at colleagues. Lunch has been takeaway because there is no way I'm packing lunch when I leave for work at 6am and get home at 8.30pm. Bugger that. There has also been a constant supply of doughnuts and cake to keep morale up at work and this is not always easy to ignore.

Oh yes - I got maybe two walks done last week. Not ideal.

So given all this I still lost 400g. I'm pleased because I expected no loss at all and was almost expecting a gain.

The man lost over a kilo which is great.

Because I'm now both mentally exhausted and physically broken I'll sign off and collapse into bed.

Slowing Down

2010-01-24T08:29:00.002+11:00

So week ending 17 January I gained 100g and I knew why. Missed too many walks, had too many lunches and breakfasts outside home and had beer on the Friday night. I was not happy but I knew what had happened and why.

Today's weigh in I lost 700g which is very pleasing. I actually had a weigh in yesterday and the scales told me I had gained 1.1kg. So according to the scales between yesterday and today I lost 1.8kg.

Geez I'm talented. I can lose 1.8kg in a day.

When I weighed in yesterday with a 1.1kg gain I was disappointed but even more confused. I had a few convenient and not terribly "diety" lunches but they really didn't account for a gain like that. It's better to gain and know why.

Then getting on the scale today and being 1.8kg lighter than yesterday (and 700g lighter than last week) I got even more confused. The only thing I can think it could be is that I had rice at lunch and pasta for tea on Friday so a fair bit of carbohydrate in my body. Carbohydrate needs to bind with water so I was retaining a huge amount of water. It's not going to stop me from eating and enjoying rice, pasta and bread - but it will help me understand my body a bit better.

And if my theory is completely off then I'll make up a new one next time.

So I'm very happy about being (just) under 114kg. I'm 113.9 today and that means I'm truly clear of the 115kg mark. It's weird how I have these marker numbers (usually multiples of 5) that I don't feel truly clear off until I have at least a kilo clearance.

I'm a bit further off track for my aim of maintaining a 1kg per week loss. I'm still going to keep this as my goal, but it's my end goal that is more important.

I will get to 65kg and while I want to do it this year, it's ok if it takes two years. The time will pass regardless of what I do. My man will not stop being healthy and going for walks with me when he reaches his goal. Weight loss is one (very important) factor in our overall healthy lifestyle changes and we want them to last forever.

I don't mean to gloat, but things are so much easier when your partner is into getting healthier and losing weight too. I've done well to snare Mr G. I think I'll keep him.

Refocus

2010-01-09T13:34:00.002+11:00

I lost another 500g this week which is good. I do however have a very specific goal of reaching 65kg by the end of this year. That means I need to focus more and maintain an average loss of 1kg per week. I'm just under this average at the moment with 885g per week (6.2kg in seven weeks).

With better planning and extra exercise I should get back to my kg per week. Planning will mean having fruit with me at work so I'm not starving by lunchtime and end up eating too much. Too much means three California rolls instead of two but three makes me feel too full. If I don't let myself get overly hungry by lunchtime I won't get that third roll.

As far as exercise goes, my recent tummy upsets that made me miss two walks last week have gone. I need to really get into the walks.

I'm also going to start riding again. When I lived in Brunswick I used to ride to and from work every day and I loved it. Now I'm 50km from work I don't get to do that. Maybe I could take my bike in on the train once a week and ride half way home. 25km is about an hour of work. I'd like to do this at least once while we still have so much daylight.

I bought some new cycling shoes, cleats and pedals yesterday so I'm really excited about using them. I'll ask the man to put them on the bike and then I'll zip off for an hour. The man went for a 15km walk yesterday while I was at a work function I couldn't avoid so he gets a day off today. We have already had an hour of walking (out to the fruit markets and back) but I need at least another hour of activity. The man has lost 10kg in seven week. What a hero!

Sorry for such a boring "shopping list" post. I'm a bit brain dead after last night's drinks and dinner so I'm off to be for a nap at 1.43 in the afternoon.

Jam, jam, jam....

2010-01-02T18:57:00.004+11:00

No resolutions this year. The one I always used to write down was about losing weight. Because I know I'll get there by the end of this year anyway it seems pointless to make a list. Instead, I'll just blog about my lazy ten days off work and what I did (and didn't) do.

I made six jars of apricot jam yesterday. It's not my best work but it's pretty good. I chucked a vanilla pod that had been living in the sugar tin into the pot so it's got a distinct vanilla flavour. That should keep breakfast supplies in order for a few months. Can't wait for Autumn - quince jelly time!

It's Saturday evening and I have to go back to work on Monday. I'm really not enthusiastic. I've had a nice time just pottering around; knitting, making jam, watching Futurama DVDs. A pretty good way to spend my time.

The man and I are not going for a walk together today. I feel wretched because of my period and G is going out for a quick 45 minute walk before dinner. We had a walk yesterday in drizzle and felt very smug about it. Tomorrow we will do a morning walk of about an hour then an evening walk of 90 minutes.

Speaking of smug, we had our weigh in today. G has lost 6.9kg in six weeks and I lost another 500g this week to take my total loss to 5.7kg in six weeks. I can't get tied up in the fact that I only lost 500g because I know I'm all bloated up with fluid today because my jeans are too tight. Stupid hormones.

I'm pretty well on track for my 1kg per week average which I have to stick to in order to reach 65kg by Christmas 2010.

Wow - that seems like a long way away. The year will pass regardless of whether we go walking and eat healthily or whether we go back to weekly fish and chips and far too much wine. I know what makes me feel better on a daily basis and that just happens to be the thing that will get me into a nice new bathing suit for Christmas. Hooray.

I think the thing that allows us to stick to our 'diet' is the fact that we are rewarded daily. It's not a matter of gritting our teeth until the diet is over. The improvements to my mental and physical well being can not be overstated. I sleep better, I don't flake out at 3pm at work, my posture has improved, I'm happier and my clothes fit better. My skin also looks better - or it would if I wasn't being ravaged by hormones at the moment. That will clear up in a few days though so all is well.

On Monday (28th Dec) we went into Melbourne to go for a bit of a shop. I really needed black pants for work as the ones I was wearing before Christmas literally fall off if I accidentally step on the hem. Nothing like the threat of a self-dacking in public to keep you on your toes.

So I went to the fat-lady section of Myer and found some lovely pants. Nice cut, lovely drapey fabric. Happy Euphie. Even better the sign on the rack said that all clothing of that particular brand were "30% off the marked price". The disclaimer on the sign said "30% discount off the last marked price will be calculated at the register.

I got to the register and the woman charged last marked price, as opposed to 30% off the last marked price. I said "Oh no, those are supposed to be 30% off the last marked price" and she said "Yes, I know. That's 30% off the price so we've marked it on the label. It means the same thing". I cancelled the transaction and walked away. I do not have the patience for people working in retail without basic numeracy.

This sounds incredibly bitchy. I'm getting older and crankier by the second. I remember being mortified in primary school because when we took home our school reports we had to get our parents to sign them and the bring them back to the office. My mother would sign my report as well as correct the teacher's spelling errors in the comments section.

Now I think I'd do exactly the same thing. I have so little patience with people these days. I don't think it's too much to ask for our educators to spell accurately and our retail sales staff to understand their own shop's offers. Don't start me on apostrophe abuse.

So I didn't get new pants. I met G at Rebel where he was getting new sneakers to replace his 10 year old ones and I played around on the discount table. There was a pair of runners in the same size and brand as the ones I got ridiculously discounted last year. They were almost the same model - they were the updated 2009 model. I went home very happy with some $300 runners that set me back only $99. I love good runners and I love not having to spend up big to get them.

Apart from the shoes we both got some reflective bibs for when we go on our walks. Makes it easier for the cars to hit us when they have a clear target. I also got some smooshy cashmere yarn that I didn't need and I don't have specific plans for apart from just giving it a lecherous squeeze every now and then when I pass it. Mmm... new yarn. (I'll probably make a lace scarf and mittens for winter).

I still didn't have any pants for work. Luckily I found some on Friday in the local Target Country. I got a pair to fit and a pair in the next size down. As I'll only get about 6 weeks out of them I prefer to wear one pair all week (with a mid-week wash) rather than have a couple of pair. It's a bit of a pain but I'm not so keen on spending too much on transitional clothes.

Speaking of clothes, my latest knitting project is a vest to wear over a shirt. Simple sort of v-neck style in a beautiful yarn from South America called Ranco Multy (google it and drool). Because I want to keep this vest until it wears out I decided to make it in the "medium" size - which I think is a 12. I finished the back of it and it looks tiny. It's going to take some time to get used to the idea that I'll be able to fit into it - but the funny thing is that I have absolutely no doubt that by Christmas this year I'll have reached my goal of 65kg and these tiny clothes will be all that is in my wardrobe.

My top ten stupid nutrition and fitness statements. (Rant warning).

2009-12-28T16:48:00.007+11:00

I'm pleased to report that although Christmas day itself was an exercise in potato salad and wine consumption, it was pretty good. The potato salad was incredibly good and the wine was good too so it was hard to not say "Ah bugger it, it's only once a year". I did however eat too much and feel over-full (and rolling drunk) as a result. It's a very positive indication that my approach to how much is "enough" and how much is "fun but more than enough" has changed.

Because we have not been drinking alcohol for over a month now I was absolutely plastered on half a bottle of wine. The weird thing was that while I was drinking it I was thinking that it wasn't really worth the potential delay in meeting my goals that it would cause. I really is a matter of "nothing tastes as good as being slim feels" - or in my case, the potential of being slim in the future.

So with my weigh in on Christmas day I lost 1.6kg which was less than I expected given that I'd gained 600g the previous week. Then I considered that although I've been focused and continued to exercise, the few days before Christmas there were celebration snacks at work and a handful of chips or a piece of Christmas cake here and there all adds up.

When I go back to work on January 4th I wonder if anyone will notice my weight loss. It will have been just over 6kg by then and having been away for a while will break the routine of seeing me every day and so not noticing changes.

I don't really care if anyone does - but I've got my line prepared. If someone asks if I've lost weight I'll say "that really depends on how much brain cells weigh because I'm pretty sure a lot of them didn't survive the break".

I'm not sure why but I'm not comfortable with people knowing I'm "losing weight". It's cool if they know I've lost but I don't want people to discuss it with me at work or talk about diets or other crap. People often start talking about things that frankly piss me off and I feel if I say "you are an idiot and you know nothing about nutrition" they can always say (or at least think) "what do you know, you weigh as much as two people". Good point.

Oh well - I'm sure I'll happily move beyond feeling a bit weird about this. Still, I like to have a good rant so I might make a list of the top ten things people say about food/exercise/diet that will make me want to punch them in the neck.

This is not designed to offend people (although it likely will). If you are wedded to one of the concepts below this is probably not the blog for you.

1 - "Diet Coke has more calories than normal Coke because of all the chemicals". (bullshit)

2 - "If you want to lose weight and gain muscle you should eat protein shakes because all the protein gets turned straight into muscle and you don't have to exercise". (No, it gets broken down to it's basic components and if you don't use the resulting energy it gets stored as fat. Excess calories don't care if they come from protein, carbohydrate or fat).

3 - "I have to have a sports drink because I'm going to the gym tonight". (If my father can shear sheep all day and need only water to replenish lost fluids there is no way known you need 600mL of electrolyte laced cordial for your 30 minutes watching telly on the treadmill).

4 - "That will kill you. Carbohydrates are poison". (Yes, my sister is still on a high-fat, high-protein, very low carbohydrate diet and was having pork crackling for Christmas lunch. Nothing else, just port crackling. She told me my multigrain toast was going to kill me but she was in more danger of being killed by it if I accidentally beat her to death with it).

5 - "I never eat fruit it's really high in sugar". (As opposed to the pint of Guinness the person making this statement was holding).

6 - "You should never eat fruit with anything else because it just rots in your stomach and stops other things from being digested". (Don't even know where to start with this one. Might just push the speaker into a dishwasher instead of asking them do they actually know anything about the basic physiology of the stomach. If something is rotting in your stomach its probably because you are dead and the rest of your body is decomposing too).

7 - "I can't believe they give their kids fruit and cheese and nuts for recess. They should give them Twisties and chips or they'll feel left out". (Another one where it is hard to know where to start. I accept that when J said this she was probably thinking that she was raised on Twisties for play lunch so that was an appropriate and healthy thing to do, but do you think that designating these snacks as everyday food for the lunchbox is doing your child any favours?)

8 - "I can't eat vegetables. I've never liked them". (I'll be branded insensitive here but GROW UP. You are not six years old - learn to cook and eat vegetables).

9 - "I can't ride a bike because my calves get too big". (This was from a 117kg woman who just had very large calves. Look at the blokes in the Tour de France - they do not have big calves, they are actually lean looking. I wonder if this lass should have considered the impact that sweet-and-sour pork had on her calves rather than cycling).

10 - "I've got coeliac disease - I'm gluten intolerant". (If you have had a positive result from a duodenal biopsy which is considered the only reliable test for this nasty disease then I will go out of my way to make sure you have access to a wide range of healthy, gluten free, and of course tasty foods. If you have decided that you are gluten intolerant because you fart more after eating pizza then please go away).

Ahh. It feels good to have a rant. Off to cook dinner now. Teriyaki beef and brown rice (oh no! carbohydrates!)

Mid week weigh-in is stupid.

2009-12-21T16:39:00.004+11:00

Last week was the longest week of my life. Actually, it's been a very long few months and last Friday I was ready to go home and never return to work. I'm exhausted. I had the 8am start for the past two weeks. Now I'm on the 8.30 start for a fortnight and then the 9.30 start after that. Two weeks of the really early shift is quite enough. It's nice finishing at 4.20 pm but I have to get up at 5.30am to do this. It hurts a lot.

I skipped last Friday's Christmas party and went and got my hair cut instead. It was so much better than the Christmas party would have been. I had my hair done, I read trashy mags and I drank wine - what a great night. I picked up some sushi on the way home and went back to Bacchus for dinner with the man. What a great day.

So on the Saturday weigh-in which we now refer to as "smug-day" the man lost nearly 2kg and I GAINED. Ekk. To top it off I made things worse for myself by getting on the scales mid-week.

If I'd just weighed on Saturday I would have seen a gain of 600g and whinged about it for a bit then moved on. In real life weight goes up and down sometimes as body hydration fluctuates. There isn't really any reason that fluctuations wouldn't happen during a weight loss period too. The way I made things worse for myself is by jumping on the scales on Wednesday and registering a total of 116.0kg. So instead of grumbling about a gain of 600g I got to moan about a gain of 1.1kg. Wah wah wah. ... complain complain.

I have to look on the bright side. Firstly, I've lost 3.6kg over four weeks which is bloody good and secondly because I know it's not a result of me eating too much or exercising too little (it's just fluid or something) then I'm set for a great loss next weigh in.

The man and I have decided to get on the scales on Christmas morning instead of on Saturday which would be boxing day. That will let us relax and enjoy a glass of wine and some special food for the day without worrying about weighing in the next morning.

Christmas lunch is planned. We are going to have pan-fried salmon, potato salad and some green salad followed by "rubber cake". It's actually a blancmange sort of thing but I thought it would be less cloying than cheesecake or pavlova.

So, Christmas wishes to all for a healthy and safe time with family and friends.

Another Loss

2009-12-14T20:19:00.002+11:00

Yep, a loss of 1.3kg last week. Pretty damn good considering that due to rain and illness there were only 4 walks that week.

Right now I'm sitting at the pc listening to the man try to unblock the plumbing with the power of a plunger and profanity. I am not hopeful. I'll organise a plumber in the morning and hope that neither of us develops rampant diarrhoea in the mean time.

So back to the point - a loss of 1.3kg is excellent. I think that brings me to a total of 4.2kg lost over three weeks. More than I lost over about eleven months with WW. I'm so glad to have found something that works.

This week I need to ensure I keep focus - I think I'll skip the work Christmas party because there is no way I'm going to waste calories on crappy wine and cold spring rolls.

Due to monumental plumbing works, there will be no walk tonight (although a trip to the loo at the shopping centre might be a good idea). I'll sign off here and take advantage of being able to spend the evening knitting.

Another Success

2009-12-05T16:00:00.003+11:00

The fella and I got on the scales this morning (not together of course) for our weigh in. I lost 1.7 this week making my total to day 2.9kg over two weeks.

This is bloody fantastic, especially considering I'm all bloated up like an airship courtesy of my period today. I feel far less sick and am experiencing a lot less pain this month too. I'd say a lot of that is due to exercise.

The fella lost 3kg this week I think. Before anyone thinks I'm starving the boy, we are still eating plenty of food. We both expect our big losses to slow down in a few weeks as we settle into our new routines. Still, might as well enjoy it while it lasts.

I can see a difference in myself and in G. My belly has reduced and I look generally well and healthy. Over the past few months I've been feeling and looking exhausted and people have commented on it. Now I look a lot fresher and even on a Friday afternoon I leave work feeling alive and energetic.

We did our Christmas shopping on Friday after work and G bought me a Pandora bracelet with a few starter beads. I'm going to get myself a bead each time I go under a multiple of 5 (so 120kg, 115kg, 110kg etc). Because I had already met my first milestone in week one by getting under 120kg I bought myself a bead then. It's just in my jewellery box waiting for Christmas but I wanted to take advantage of the shop's 15% off sale. I bought a silver bead shaped like a tiny teapot with a gold bit on the lid. Not sure why but I really dig teapots. When I get under 100kg and then under 80kg I will get myself a gold bead to mark these bigger milestones. When I get to goal I don't know what I'll do. Probably cry! But that's not related to jewellery.

On the food side of things I'm trying to increase my calcium intake. I'll start having sardines on toast for breakfast which should help.

After our shopping we had some dinner at a Thai place in a food court. We both had chicken pad thai. On WW I would never have eaten this because the points would be so high. Now I just record the calories and know I'm within my daily range. I know the intention from WW is to steer people towards lower point options, but making a meal worth 9 points is just prohibitive.

Weirdly I didn't finish my meal. I ate about half of it and was happy and just put it to the side. I had to put my napkin on top of it to keep myself from eating the rest out of habit. For the rest of the night I wasn't hungry at all so listening to my stomach was the right thing to do. My stomach just told me now that toast with apricot jam is a very good idea. It was right.

Motivation gets stronger each day, especially for exercise. I had a lot of leg pain as well of period pain on Friday night and didn't go for a walk. I felt incredibly ripped off. G went for a walk and I was so jealous.

So it's all going well so far. If someone wanted me to tell them the "secret" I'd say avoid having alcohol at home (going out is ok) and find someone else to do this with.

Enough

2009-12-02T21:51:00.002+11:00

My concept of what is "enough" in terms of food and exercise has changed since the man and I started to get healthy only a week and a half ago.

At lunchtime today I was wondering what I wanted. I decided on some Japanese takeaway. In the past I would have had a bento box or the large mixed sushi. Today I had two handrolls and that's it until dinner at 7.30pm.

Spooky.

As for exercise - a 30 minute walk was "enough". It satisfied the basic requirement quoted in so many books and I was always a fan of doing the bare minimum. Now, I feel ripped off if I don't get at least an hour with hills. That's on top of my 15 minute walk between Bacchus Marsh station and home twice a day and then another 10 minutes twice a day between Spencer St and work.

I crave exercise. It makes me feel so alive and happy and when I think about it I probably haven't felt that way for a while. I suffer from chronic depression for which I take medication, but exercise really is the best medicine.

In an obscenely good mood

2009-11-30T21:06:00.002+11:00

I'm feeling so healthy and happy at the moment it's almost embarassing.

When I get home after work I cook dinner as fast as I can so we can go out for our walk. Both the man and I are busting to get out the door and into the fresh air. This is so different from how we were a week ago.

I used to feel dead by 3pm at work and then get home, sit on the sofa and feel exhausted for 15 minutes while I contemplated what to cook for dinner. Now I feel alive.

People have commented at work too - saying that I look really well or very happy.

I'll go off and be smug now. Only a quick post to gloat a bit.

Feeling Good

2009-11-29T10:22:00.002+11:00

I was looking at the column of info on the right hand side of my blog and through WW I managed to lose about 2.5kg in total between Jan 09 and November 09.

Again - I'm not saying that if I had followed the plan as it was set out I would not have lost a significant amount of weight in those 11 months - I'm just saying it was not something I found I could maintain enthusiasm for or dedication to.

Last night we went for a walk as soon as the rain stopped. We got slightly wet but only slightly. Rain is not going to be an excuse to avoid exercise - the worst that will happen is we will get wet. I get wet every day in the shower and nothing terrible has happened to me yet. I hate having wet sneakers though so I might just keep the old ones handy for soggy days so I don't wreck my good ones.

I had a sneaky step on the scales this morning and I was pleased they had moved down some more. I really don't want to get into the habit of getting on the scales daily because it will just send me insane. Still, it was nice to see. Looking forward to next Saturday's weigh in.

As the title of this entry suggests, I am feeling good. I no longer feel that I need 16 hours of sleep a day. On the train home on Friday evening I was thinking about our walk that evening and where we would go.

Only a week beforehand I was feeling dead by Friday. I ascribe some of the change to the iron supplement I am taking for anaemia, but I just feel so much healthier overall.

So not much to say today except that I'm feeling healthy and smug. I'm off to Foodworks to buy the week's fruit and vegies now.

The end of my disfunctional relationship with WW

2009-11-28T07:38:00.006+11:00

Over the past ten years or so I've joined WW probably 15 times - possibly more.

I've decided this is a waste of money for me.I wish I had decided that ten years ago.

I absolutely agree with their approach of nutrition, exercise and support but it clearly has not worked for me. I find it difficult to maintain focus and end up whingeing on a blog about "fresh starts" and all sorts of other crap. I'm not suggesting that if I followed the plan I wouldn't lose weight - of course I would. If you consume less energy than you expend you WILL lose weight. I'm just saying following the WW plan is clearly not something I find I can do.

This week, my fella and I decided to stop stuffing around and get serious about being healthy. We have been going for walks (with decent hills) every night for 50-60 minutes, stopped drinking alcohol and set challenging weight-loss targets. We have sworn off eating what the body does not need - so G no longer buys muffins for morning tea and I walk PAST the honesty box full of chocolate instead of buying a bag of bullets and eating them so fast I don't taste them. I still have to attend work functions because I'm a big fancy manager-executive type (ha ha) but this is a part of life and I have to go to something like this maybe once every month or two.

I'm tracking my food and exercise on CalorieKing which is very interesting because it shows useful stuff like sodium, saturated fats and calcium. Its still tracking but the tyranny of points isn't there. I just record what I eat and don't worry about calories because I am making good choices - and like any fat person, I know ALL the theory. These good choices have kept me easily within the suggested 1800 net calories per day. The way that WW always gave their branded products (from which they make a huge profit) a lower points value than other identical products kind of pissed me off too so I don't miss that at all.

In the past with WW I've always set my target at the upper end of my healthy weight range (58-72). In the back of my mind I've felt I'd be happy just to get to 85kg because I'm big-boned, busty, genetically destined to be Rubinesque, from a fat family, too scared of potential loose skin blah blah blah. All excuses and all an indication of the lazy, slipshod approach I've been taking.

So now I've set my goal at 65kg - a loss of 55kg!

The man has set his goal at 75kg - so he needs to lose 35kg.

The friendly competition is actually really good. We have discussed that for at least six months we are probably going to have to be a bit obsessive in our focus. Boring for anyone else if they had to listen to us, but talking about how good we'll feel when we reach goal is very affirming. We talk about meal ideas and how much better we'll feel and look - mostly on our walks - but it's a daily reminder that makes a lot of sense.

Another thing that gives me focus - or more accurately bloody mindedness - is the fact that when I casually mentioned G and I we focusing on health to my boss she said "yeah sure". It wasn't nasty it was in the context that after the next three months at work she thinks all the managers will be alcoholic chocolate fiends. Still, I want to be able to say "told you so".

I have never weighed 65kg as an adult - maybe I was that weight when I was 14? I don't know. I was about 78 six years ago. There is nothing extreme or impossible about 65kg. Actually, if the fella had not mentioned his goal was 75kg, I might have set my own at 75 - but when he stated his goal I knew there was no way I was going to settle for less (more) than 65kg. I didn't want to rip myself off. I have 20kg more to lose than he does but that's ok. On our walks we have discussed that this is a permanent lifestyle change - not a diet or something that either of us gets to go off when we reach goal. So its not like I'll be doing this alone once he's crossed the finish line.

I weighed myself today and since Monday have lost 1.2kg. Saturday is a better weigh in day for me - I'm too busy on Monday (just in case you were wonder about the 5 day week).

So all in all I'm feeling peaceful and happy. A great weight has lifted from my shoulders by saying "sorry WW but it stops here - we are not a good couple". I am elated that the man is as focused as I am and that we have made this commitment to health together.

Monday..blergh... but a loss!

2009-10-12T07:24:00.004+11:00

Oh the horror! It's Monday again and I have to go to work. All I want to do is sleep.

I'm starting to get slightly worried about my sleep at the moment. I can easily sleep for 10 hours and then need another 4 in the afternoon to get through the day.

I might take iron supplements for a while to give my haem a boost. I have a history of chronic anaemia. I'm just so sick of being physically exhausted without actually doing any physical activity. Actually, when I think about the dizziness and tingling in my hands it's definitely anaemia.

Idiot.

Takes me so long to work these things out when it comes to myself. Stupid working-class, protestant work ethic that has me soldiering on through regardless.

Anyhoo, my worries about what I'd eat while in Sydney for work were ill founded. I was far too busy to snack at all and healthy lunches were available at the foodcourt. For dinner and breakfast I had mini-wheats cereal. I know its a weird dinner but it's what I wanted so I was happy.

I've had a fairly good week. Better at the start than at the end of course but only one day where I really went far over my points. My result was a loss of 2.5kg this week. I'm really happy with this and determined not to lose track this week with two social events on the list (two day corporate love-in/strategy meeting at work and M's wedding).

So this Saturday the man and I go to M's wedding. I've been listening to her preparations for a year now at work so I probably don't need to actually go as I've had the whole experience anyway. I know all the details right down to the colour of the napkins (peacock blue).

I really do not want to go to a big fat Greek wedding. It's going to take up the whole day and is going to be huge with hundreds of people there. I'm kind of socially obliged to go and the man is willing to go with me which is wonderful. He wants to go even less than I do so I really appreciate him giving up his Saturday to accompany me.

We will get a taxi home - from Murrumbeena to Bacchus Marsh! Will cost around $150? Still, I'd rather do this than get a hotel for the night which is about the same cost and a big pain in the bum.

The problem is that I have nothing to wear! I bought a beautiful dress obscenely cheaply from Myer a few weeks ago but the forecast for the day is 15 degrees. Um, no cocktail dress unless it's 20 degrees and fine at least. However, I'm happy to cut arm-holes in a sleeping bag and wear that.

So I'll have a look at Myer and find something there. Maybe a really posh blouse (that I can wear thermals under). I could wear that with black pants and look dressed enough. I'll just see what I find. I don't like to wear black to a wedding, even if it is just black pants, but like I said, I'll just see what I can find.

One of the great frustrations about being so damn fat is that I can't really enjoy fashion. All the "plus size" shops in the world will not make the styles I love look good on my body.

I don't currently dress in my preferred style. At the moment I dress to meet the corporate dress code and be comfortable. On weekends it's jeans and tshirt without fail.

The look that I love is a mixture of eccentric, Laura Ashley and vintage Hollywood. So that's lots of dresses, floral prints, cardigans, clever shoes and quirky accessories. At my current weight I'd look like a crazy grandma in this style.

One of the biggest rewards for weight-loss for me will to be able to enjoy fashion again. I remember when my unique style was envied and spoken of admiringly in the office. Now I'm happy to not be noticed.

Oh well - I'm 2.5kg closer to enjoying my wardrobe again and that's a very good thing.

Business Trips

2009-10-07T22:43:00.000+11:00

Off to Sydney tomorrow for work and frankly I couldn't be arsed going. Getting up at stupid o'clock, wedging myself into a plane seat and convincing myself I've forgotten to pack shoes or deodorant or my computer or some other vital item.

I know people who love flying and staying in hotels and such. I think it sucks. It will be nice to have a ridiculously deep bath and watch cartoons on Foxtel (simultaneously if I'm lucky), but I'd rather be at home with my fella and kittehs.

A small concern I have is about how I'll stick to my points. Meals at the Radisson are nice but very expensive and I'd rather eat in my room. Because there is no microwave in the room I can't get a lean cuisine which is my preference. There is a mini-supermarket nearby so I will be able to get something surely.

The other plan is to get something at the food court during lunch time and stick it in the fridge at the hotel. Sushi and beer sounds pretty good and is easily available. Should stay fresh for a while. I know I'll need a beer by Thursday night (if not by 10am).

I've bought a packet of Moccona Lite Cappuccino sachets - sort of an instant coffee mix thing. Only one point each and hotels never give enough coffee, tea or milk supplies for hardcore nanna types like me. Stupid little pots of UHT milk that I end up wearing because I can't open them without help. Once I've had my sushi and beer I'm going to sit in bed and watch Family Guy on telly while I drink coffee and knit mittens. Mittens with cables and embroidered rosebuds even! Living la vida nanna!

I have not really started exercising specifically since my new start, but I have been actively seeking incidental activity. I walk to and from the station each day to get to and from home. That's 15 minutes each way and I can never opt out because I have not option (unless I called a taxi). When I get to town, I have another 10 minute walk from Spencer Street station to work. Over the past months I've been jumping on a handy tram to get to work and then back to Spencer Street at the end of the day. No more tram for this part of my journey. That's another 10 minutes each way. So I'm getting 50 minutes walking at the moment.

I might see if I can go for a swim at the Radisson - I really miss having a pool easily available (LOVE the Brunswick Baths). I will have to be careful about points while I'm away. I know it's only two days, but it's so easy to have too many snacks and find you are 10 points over. I've already got 10 spare points up my sleeve this week but I don't want to waste them. I might have to dust of the points books which I have not even touched since I discovered the online tracker.

Enough about points though. More important things are afoot. The fact that I feel dead for a start. Ok, not dead because I'm pretty sure cadavers don't yawn. I feel completely exhausted though. I know it's a combination of adjusting to daylight savings and the pain and tiredness that comes with my period - but knowing doesn't make it easier to live with. Not looking forward to getting up at 5.30am tomorrow.

Another reason I'm so tired is because I'm so very overweight. As I said on Monday, I could lose half of my body weight and not be underweight. I'd be 61.1kg if I did that. Considering that I found a 15kg package heavy after 10 minutes, it's amazing that I'm not more tired than I am in carrying around an extra 60kg on a daily basis.

Little things like wearing high heels are much harder work for the obese person. All that weight on a tiny point. I've been telling myself that I've gone off high shoes because I'm getting older and more sensible but it's probably because I'm too heavy to wear them comfortably for long.

Don't even start me on fashion and how being obese changes what I tell myself I "like". So I'm looking forward to wearing high shoes sometimes and to feeling energetic. Those two things alone will keep me focused for today.

Crappy place to be...

2009-10-05T21:03:00.002+11:00

Well, thanks to doing absolutely nothing in terms of diet or exercise I'm now 122.2kg.

I don't know what it was that made me climb onto to scales this morning. Maybe it was the fact that my pants have been getting tighter.

It could have been realising I could lose half of my body weight and still be in my healthy weight range.

Was it carrying a 15kg package home from the shops on Sunday and thinking "if 15kg gets heavy after ten minutes, how the hell am I carrying around an extra 50kg full time"?

Maybe it was looking for one of my many strapless bras (in the suitcase under the bed) and finding that I couldn't get any of them to even meet at the back, let alone hook up. Actually, they didn't meet by about 10-15 cm and don't even start me about getting my enormous boobs into the 'tiny' size DD cups. I was wearing these only 5 years ago!

So I got on the scales and they confirmed I was over 120kg - a place I recently declared I'd never be again. As a direct result of this I took myself to a WW meeting today and rejoined where I weighted 122.2kg. I need meetings - online is not keeping me honest.

I don't want to talk about fresh starts or clean slates - this is all part of the same leaning experience on the way to my goal.

What do I do now? Now I do what needs to be done. There is no magic and no trick. Eat a healthy, balanced diet with reduced calories and get regular, vigorous exercise.

Just do it. (Somebody should copyright that - it would make a great slogan).

Nice Clothes and No Money

2009-08-23T12:42:00.003+10:00

Yesterday the man and I went into town (Melbourne, we live in Bacchus Marsh) and went shopping for clothes.

By to the look our fellow travellers on the train at 8.45 that morning this is not an unusual way for people to spend their Saturdays. It is very unusual for us. Saturday means the paper, coffee, grocery shopping and cleaning. Then some wine and knitting for me and xbox for the man.

The man being, well - a man, shops only when his current clothes die. On Thursday he was crossing his legs on the train and a big tear opened up in his pants. Fortunately his happened on the way home from work not on the way to work.

I tend to buy things during my lunch break at work. This is rarely planned and is usually a response to one of the following thoughts:

- that's on sale, I'll get it
- I love that colour, I'll get it
- I'll shrink into that in no time even if it is a bit tight (ie the wrong size) now, I'll get it
- I hate my shirt. It's cheap and nasty and doesn't go with anything else. That shirt on the rack however is on sale/great colour/shrink-intoable, I'LL GET IT!

As a result of this my wardrobe is a mess. Nothing goes with anything else. I have items in beautiful colours that don't suit me at all. I tend towards cheaper shops (Target and horror-of-horrors, Millers) so the fabrics are cheap and synthetic. Sometimes I'll head into Moonee Ponds (nice place - you should try it) and have a look at their Autograph shop. On the whole, Autograph have nicely made, fairly priced items. Unfortunately I take my "bright things on sale" brain with me when I go and come home with a bag of stuff that doesn't go with what I already have and doesn't really suit me.

I think my problem has three main causes.

1 - I have difficulty spending money on myself. It's ok to have something if I got it on sale, but if I would never spend $140 on a beautiful shirt for work that I'd wear and love each week. As a result I spend $30 for some crappy item on sale that I feel slightly embarrassed to wear.

2 - This one is linked to point one. Or vice-versa probably. I buy things I'll "shrink into". Because that's such a great way to buy something to wear now. Yeah, right.

I think I've ably demonstrated that if I'm going to shrink into anything, it will take significant time. My goal for the year is to be under 110kg. Sure - I really want to be under 100kg but I've revised this to be in line with reality and still be a very positive outcome. I've lost just over 4kg between Feb and August. Another 6kg by Christmas is a fine goal to have.

So whether it's because I don't think I deserve nice clothes in my current size or whether I really believe I'll shrink into them in a matter or two weeks isn't the point. The point is I don't buy things in the right size so even after spending money on clothes, I have nothing to wear.

3 - Colour is my friend! I'm starting to think it may not be. I love pink and green. Black bores me bumless! If I was choosing a t-shirt and there were heaps of colours to choose from I'd take home a watermelon pink or grassy green one.

Trinny and Susannah tell me that as a fair person with blueish skin tones I should stick to:

clear red
hot pink
dark lavender
lemon yellow
aqua
sage
mid green
periwinkle

This seems to make sense. I only question the dark lavender because I haven't really tried it but when I think about it, they are right.

My love for colours has resulted in a wardrobe full of things that don't match. Even worse, I love prints! So I have printed shirts and floral skirts and nothing to put together.

If all this leads you to think I've been getting around in a miss-matched, too tight rainbow you'd be right.

So why all this background? Well, I'm now going to tell you what I bought yesterday and if you know what I used to do you'll appreciate the difference.

Firstly I went to Myer. They have a good selection of larger sizes from lots of different brands.

There are some brands I don't like. Maggie T uses a huge amount of linen. Despite Maggie Taberer being one of the most stylish women in the country, I'm not prepared to share her love of linen. I generally look like I've just rolled out of bed at the best of time. Linen just makes things worse. People will ask why I'm wearing a doona cover and why I didn't iron it.

Taking Shape is another brand I just cant come to terms with. You'd think that I'd be a fan of their stuff. They have clever, quirky and funky stuff all designed to work together from season to season and featuring bright colours. Also, none of it needs ironing.

I just can't get into Taking Shape. I don't want to look funky. I want to look nice, professional and elegant. Black viscose with bright colours added doesn't really do that for me although I know one woman who wears TS almost exclusively and looks great.

So what did I do? I had decided earlier in the week that I needed two bras, two bottoms and two tops. I ended up getting four bras on Friday and had to consciously stop myself getting one in a smaller size to shrink into. When I need smaller bras I'll buy them. Not before.

I tried on a dress I liked (that qualifies as a top AND a bottom) but it just didn't work for me. Also, I don't like wearing pantyhose on a regular basis so I went looking for pants.

I tried on about 15 pair of pants and settled on two pair I liked. One with a skinny belt feature and one with no belt. Both in black but I don't mind wearing black pants - it's black around my face that I don't like

I had pants. They were not on sale, were the correct size and an excellent fit. Success! When I think about it, spending $210 for two pair of good quality pants for work is good value.

Next, I needed tops. Immediately I reverted to old ways and grabbed one in cherry red and one is deep aqua green. They didn't look bad but I didn't think 'gee, they look really good'. I had to very consciously put them back on the rack.

Another thing about the tops is that they were knit tops. This is not a bad thing in general but one of the things I really need to start doing is look more corporate and polished at work. A knit top can make that more difficult.

I think I tried on about 12 different tops. In the end I got a white shirt with French cuffs. It doesn't button down the front it crosses over and ties at the side. It's crisp and stylish. I think for work I'll be adding a cami though.

The other top I tried on, loved and had to think about for an hour before I could allow myself to buy it. The first thing is that it cost $130. Secondly its a yellow and grey print and I don't usually wear yellow. Thirdly it's pure silk and that means hand washing which I don't mind doing but I have to make time for it.

I decided that it's ok to buy an expensive and very beautiful shirt. It really did look lovely and in the heat of a Melbourne summer I'll be very glad of the light weight silk fabric.

After all this shopping we had some lunch and then I went to find jeans. That took a full hour. I ended up back at Myer and am happy with the ones I got. I put them on straight away and put the pair I was wearing into the bin. Yep - they were that worn out and horrible.

This morning I went through my wardrobe and threw into bin bags things that are too horrible and worn - some of them are now cleaning rags and some are in the bin. I put a heap of things in another bag for Vinnies.

So despite having spent about $700 in clothes over two days I'm happy about it. Feeling good about losing weight and getting into something that didn't fit is one thing, but feeling good and looking good right now is much more important when it comes to daily confidence.

Friday

2009-08-21T22:10:00.002+10:00

Well it's Friday night of a massively long week. Starting work at 7.30am and finishing at 6.00pm is a pain. Getting up at 5.30am and getting home at 7.30pm to do it is even worse.

Still, I got a lot done and if I was more organised on a regular basis I wouldn't have to have massive weeks like this.

Anyhoo, I'm just about ready for bed.

I've just updated my progress today and there is a bit of background to this so I'll fill you in.

On Thursday I bought a set of digital scales. The old spring loaded ones I've had forever are fine but my eyesight is so crap I couldn't really read them. I spent all of $30 for a set of WW digital scales at Target.

There were a heap of models that did things like measure body fat, hydration and bone density.

I have difficulty trusting the ability of scales sold at Target claiming to measure these things with any real accuracy. I thing a firm squeeze of my belly will tell me if my body fat is above what it should be anyway.

My friend Emma used to love her digital scales that measured body fat. She would say things like "I've gained three kilos but that's OK because my body fat has gone down". I think this was unlikely and that the more measurements a scale offers the less focus there is on the truly measurable fact of body weight. When it comes down to it, reductions in body weight are a good indication of fat loss for someone who is obese or overweight.

So I've bought some scales and I've also changed from "unlimited" to "online".

Measuring my "starting" weight for online, the new scales told me I was 117.8kg. While not a good number it is very good that I've not gained any of the weight I've lost and I've actually lost 0.2kg since my last "official" weigh in.

Enough rambling and inverted commas for one night. It's late and I'm going to bed.

Sunshine

2009-08-16T14:52:00.002+10:00

After a long winter I finally feel like spring is on the horizon. The delicate pink and white blossoms on the ornamental plum trees have already bloomed and are starting to lose petals. It’s actually light when I leave the house for work and I don’t feel I need to wear a woollen hat just to go outside (which is a shame because I’m quite good at knitting berets).

I know it’s only August 18 and spring is officially still weeks away but I can’t help feeling fresh and optimistic. So how does that affect WW? Well, despite saying I’m not going to buy into the “wipe the slate clean, fresh start, begin again” thing I’ve been so fond of in the past; I do have a sense of renewal. It’s not a new start really because I’m the same person with the same goals that I was a month ago so I’ll just call this a very positive period.

Speaking of positive, the man has decided to join me in my WWing. I’m going to change to online so it’s not that he’ll be coming to meetings, but I asked him if he wants me to starve him off over spring so he doesn’t get bloat. (Yes, I had to explain to him it was a reference to keeping horses from exploding in the paddock because they’ve had too much spring grass).

Anyhoo, he said yes – he was very keen to be starved off a bit. I thought he meant that he would just eat whatever I prepare but not stick to points – he’d probably lose some weight doing that anyway. But I checked with him this morning and he wants to stick to points allocated so that’s very positive.

I wonder how he’ll do. I wonder if he’ll just say “stuff it” the first moment his points allocation has been met for the day and he wants to eat bread and jam. I hope it helps him stop and think about what he eats because straight after a large dinner he goes and makes sandwiches or toast. I think it’s a habit – how can a person be hungry within 60 seconds of eating a full meal?

But enough about other people! I need to look at ME and what I am doing, because whatever it is it isn’t working! I don’t need a fresh start or a wedding to lose weight for or a health scare.

Consistency
Accountability
Effort

The three vital things I need. Yesterday was good. I made healthy choices for the most part (the bagel shop was shut so I ended up having a wholemeal cheesymite scroll for breakfast but that’s not so bad). I even got back into drinking water.

I went for a walk at lunch time and felt alive rather than ready for bed. Well, ok, I’m always ready for bed but I didn't feel like I’d crash on my desk.

The man is going to do 20 mins of weights every afternoon after work. Along with his 2 x 15 min walks to and from the station that’s a nice, achievable amount. He has also gone back onto the nicotine patches and is having another crack at his long-running struggle to stop smoking.

You see there are so many positive things happening at the moment I can’t help but feel good about it.

Atkins stupidity.

2009-07-20T13:40:00.000+10:00

Three weeks ago the man and I had so many meals out that I never wanted to see a menu or waiter again. Most of these were with my sister and her husband as they were moving interstate and we had several catchups.

It was pretty funny at the pub one Sunday. My sister (M) and her husband (P) are on an Atkins style diet. So they were telling us that for a snack they grate some cheese into a frying pan and fry it like a fritter. Yep, fried cheese - that's got to be great for your bowels. No wonder they live on Metamucil.

Every time the man and I meet up with M and P for a meal, my sister raves about how wonderful it is to only eat fat and protein, and that simmering the few vegies they are allowed (mostly watery ones like squash) in cream instead of water is wonderful.

She talks about how she used to have heart palpitations after eating any carbohydrates - really? I grew up with her and in the 16 years we lived in the same house she never mentioned it. If it was true you'd think she would have raised this at some point during the first 16 years of her life.

It's amazing how people justify what they do. I absolutely believe that she did eat something massively sugary one day and the resulting blood sugar spike caused a temporary and genuinely unpleasant increase in heart rate. We have all experienced the dubious pleasure of fairy floss toxicity. But to say every time she has any carbohydrate (eg: milk in coffee instead of cream) she experiences palpitations - well thats just bullshit. Sorry darling sister (who does not read this).

As my man said - you do get a bit sick of the sales pitch every time she eats the bacon fat but not the toast. Who is she trying to convince? It sounds more like justification for eating what the national health guidlines say is a very poor diet. Somewhere in her mind this must keep haunting her.

It's human nature to find justifications for what we want to do. I like wine and I like the slightly numbing, intoxicating effect it has on me. It's fun and tasty. (So am I!) I could make up all sorts of garbage about how my stressful lifestyle demands that I self-medicate using wine or that I have a family history of wine dependence so its beyond my control.

But that's just not true so I don't say it. I drink wine because I enjoy it.

I would like my sister to admit that she eats only fats and protein because she enjoys them. I think it goes further and that fabricating rules around what she will and will not eat fulfils a need for attention. A need to feel special. But I have no training in psychology so the less I theorize the better.

I've had my rant and I feel better now. I can get back to the business of worrying about myself instead of people I can't and shouldn't control.

Remember Me?

2009-06-23T08:20:00.007+10:00

It's been over five weeks since I've blogged. Not good. It's an indication that I've lost focus.

I put it down to five things:

1 - getting sick and losing my daily rhythm of work, good eating and exercise and making no effort at all to get back on track

2 - lack of exercise (just my daily 60 mins of walking) which started because I was sick has become an overall laziness so I'm just sitting around on my idle arse

3 - missing a ww meeting due to the public holiday so I weighed at home and this turned out to be very inaccurate - so the loss I thought I had didn't really happy and that was demotivating

4 - I stopped blogging and reading the forums and generally having things at the forefront of my mind.

5 - winter blahs where everyone in Melbourne is depressed and cranky because they go to work in the dark and get home in the dark. I saw a shooting star this morning when I was walking to the train! That's just wrong.

All of these things are manageable and things I can overcome. Point five is not really within my control but I can modify my activities to work around the difficulties.

Despite not even thinking in terms of WW I've been moderately controlled in my eating. That is I haven't been weighing anything or counting points but I haven't been eating chocolate bars for morning tea either. Well, maybe a few.

The result is that I've not gained or lost. Good and bad. So much wasted time but at least no weight gain. Spring is coming and my motivation is back.

I REALLY need my head read.

Back to Normal

2009-06-15T08:30:00.003+10:00

Well, I'm feeling a lot healthier and I'm back at work. Not entirely keen on work in any form but it must be done.

I spent most of the weekend sitting on the sofa knitting. Made the front of a jumper and hope to get the back done during the week. Then if I make the sleeves on the weekend I'll be very happy and can move on to making a jumper for the man.

Enough about knitting, the result of all this sitting around is a very sore back. I can't quite find a position that doesn't hurt right now so I'll have to make sure I get up and stretch every 30 minutes.

The week of being sick threw out my ww plans a little. I didn't have a binge or lose the plot particularly, I just lost enthusiasm mid way through the week and ended up having a cupcake for morning tea instead of an apple.

I think it was the lack of exercise that was the worst. I was too sick to get out and exercise but I wish I'd gone for a few walks - even just 20 minutes at a time. Oh well - next time I get sick I'll keep that in mind.

So I go to my weigh-in today which is exciting. My home scales have been telling my I'm 115 but my last weigh in (only two weeks ago) was 118. If I've lost 1.5kg in the past two weeks I'll be very happy. That will give my my first 5kg loss.

I'll post my weight after the meeting.

Sick of being sick.

2009-06-11T09:23:00.003+10:00

I'm now at the stage of coughing every time I move but the other symptoms have subsided quite a bit so I'll go to work tomorrow. Hooray! (Did I just say hooray for work?)

During these days off work I've been knitting and cataloguing my yarn stash on Ravelry.com (yep - I'm a nanna).

I'm knitting a vest and it's TINY! The pattern said the size I'm knitting is large for a 105cm bust. I measured my bust and I need to lose about 20cm of boobage. I'll persevere anyway and see what the final item looks like. I might turn out to be about a size 12 but it's hard to tell while it is still on the needles.

Apart from that I'm just bumming around, watching telly and coughing.

I go on the scales this morning. I'm convinced all this sitting around doing nothing is going to result in a 20 kilo overnight gain. The number on the scales continues to go down. I might try to get out for a walk today. Just 30 minutes of movement will help me feel a bit less trapped.

I want to go to Moonee Ponds on Saturday and buy some new jeans. They have an Autograph shop there. The jeans I'm currently wearing are falling down. They are a size 20 from Autograph and I've worn them constantly. When I bought them I also got a pair of size 18s because they were only $29. After trying them on this morning I think they may be mislabeled and are actually 16s.

I'm not just saying that because I can't get them on. If the 20s come off without being undone it doesn't make sense that the 18s don't go over my arse. I compared them this morning and the difference in the waistband is four inches. This is ok because I'll get into them too, I just need a new pair to get me out of the current clown pants.

Not much else happening. Although I'm just bumming around and not exercising I can't wait for my weigh in on Monday. That's got to be a good sign - getting excited about my weigh in rather than dreading it.

Sick and tired of it all.

2009-06-09T17:41:00.003+10:00

I have the snottiest cold ever. I feel wretched but am happy I don't have the 'flu so I must count my blessings etc.

I decided that I just wasn't going to make it to a meeting this week. My usual Monday is ditched because of the public holiday and I'm not going to work for a few days while I get over this cold. If I'm too sick to go to the city for work I'm certainly not doing it for ww.

So I got on the scales at home and though I'd just record whatever they showed and then get a "real" accurate weight at my next meeting.

The scales showed 114kg. Um, last week I was 118kg so that's just not right.

I added an extra kilo for the difference between my early morning weight and what it would have been at a lunchtime meeting and I added another for the difference in scales (I think mine are generous). I decided to record 116kg.

Still, that's a loss of 2kg in a week which I suspect is not right. I was haphazard with my points in that I stuck to my total for the week but some days were rather indulgent and others had lots of exercise to make up for it. I usually find that consistency works better.

By recording a 2kg loss I may be setting myself up for disappointment. When I get on the scales next Monday at the meeting I may not be anywhere near 116kg. There are so many ways this could mess with my head but I'm so tired and sick that I just don't care. I'll stick to my points, accept that exercise isn't going to happen much this week and just see what happens.

Being sick is a part of life and I'm not going to let my tracking etc fall apart because I've got a cold.

Fountain of Snot

2009-06-08T09:30:00.004+10:00

Sorry folks, but I really am a fountain of snot. I thought I was getting better after yesterday's cold symptoms but I'm pretty gross today. The man is coughing and sniffing too but I'm not sure how much of that is self inflicted smokers cough.

The man came back from the wedding last night. Its good to have him home, and based on his report of the weekend I probably did well avoid some of the proceedings.

I read a post on the ww forums yesterday about how the idea of meal size changes. I found this picture on my PC. The man took it to send to his brother as a "fwoar look at how good my life is" kind of brag.

It was taken with a phone camera so it's not so great. On the table is blue cheese, brie, dolmades, tomatoes, heaps of bread, olives, salami, liverwurst, beer, honey and fruit bread. The man and I ate it all and then had an afternoon nap. We did this most Saturdays.

It didn't really sink in at the time that eating the same as a man who is taller than me and a bit on the cuddly side himself was something I should stop doing. No wonder I got as fat as I did (am).

Now lunch on a weekend is more likely to be a single sandwich, or today it will be leftover chicken and barley pie. My serve will be about the size of a metric cup and I'll feel completely satisfied.

Amazing how things change.

Long Weekend

2009-06-06T19:26:00.002+10:00

Well it's Saturday night and I'm home alone watching The Vicar of Dibley. I've done half the grocery shopping and cooked a new recipe from the ww website. Kidney bean and pearl barley casserole. Really good.

I did some laundry and am now watching it dry in front of the heater. It has rained today so the clothes I hung on the clothes line will be wetter than when I put them out.

I'm alone this weekend - or at least until Sunday night. The man has gone to Sydney for his younger brother's wedding. I (obviously) didn't go and until this morning I thought I didn't really care.

For various mundane reasons I decided not to go but now I would kind of like to have gone. I think I probably just miss the man and am jealous that I don't get to frock up and check out the cave venue - I barely know the couple so I don't feel that missing out on the actual wedding is an issue for either them or me.

Anyway, when we spoke on the phone this morning the man said that we should take a few days off and fly up and spend some time checking out the caves and having a mini holiday. So I wont miss out after all and I didn't have to sit through a wedding where I knew nobody. Still, I felt sad about it this morning.

Along with a bit of sadness the weather is overcast and I feel like I'm getting a cold so I'm pretty blah. The good thing is I have not gone over my points today. Although I wouldn't have minded something salty and cheesy or a few glasses of wine I have made sure I've stuck to lots of veggies and wholegrains.

Other good news is that I bought a shirt for work today. It was just from Miller's which is generally pretty crappy stuff, but every now and then a decent item pops up. The good thing (apart from finding something decent) is that I bought a size 20 instead of a 22. I tried an 18 as well but it was too tight and I only want to buy things I can wear now rather than planning ahead.

As I'm going to be going through a lot of clothes during my weight loss I think I'll have to make use of shops like Miller's. I want to keep the cost of temporary clothes down. Today's shirt was only $13 and my next purchase will probably have to be some new pants. I'm happy to live in daggy gear on the weekends but need to look presentable at work.

I'll stop rambling now because I've realised what a boring post this is. I'll have a hot chocolate and hope I don't get the flu and post again in a few days.

Stupid Beer.

2009-06-05T11:11:00.002+10:00

The best laid schemes o mice an men, gang aft agley. Or so said Robert Burns.

My plans to go to the pub, have one light beer and head home did indeed go astray. However I take some comfort in the way in which they went astray. It demonstrates a lot of change for the better.

During my lunch break yesterday I went to the Vic markets to pick up some noodles and tofu and other supplies for the weekend. Good.
I also bought a packet of 6 mochi. Not so bad.
I ate all six mochi. Bad. 10 points worth of bad.

I wasn't even hungry which is annoying, I just decided to eat a packet of mochi. They were very good but I didn't need to have six. Nobody needs that many.

As I was full of mochi I didn't stick to my plan of having some california rolls before the pub to keep me from the temptation of hot chips.

So I went to the pub, drank three pints and one pot of light, at a serve of hot chips and a handful of potato wedges.

Oh yeah - then I went home and ate an enormous muffin.

So what is the good in all of this? A few months ago I would have drunk heavy beer and then had a kebab or garlic naan or something like that afterwards. A few month ago I would have told myself I'd ruined the week and I should just forget about it and get back onto ww the next Monday.

This time I drank light beer, exercised daily before the event and have serious exercise planned for the weekend. I will end up with a week that is within total points.

Right now (just before lunch on Friday) I have a deficit of 18 points. That's 4.5 points per day until my weigh-in (not on Monday due to long weekend). I can earn an extra 4.5 points per day to redeem myself.

The big question here is what have I learned?

- I have seriously ingrained habits when it comes to drinking at the Charles Dickens hotel with Jono. Although this is now only every few months instead of a weekly event, I need to seriously save points in advance or find another way to catch up with him.

- I no longer see a "bad" day as a major obstacle or the end to my efforts. Yeah it sucks and I'll very likely lose less than I want to at the next meeting but life, and weight loss, goes on.

- I have changed my habit about 40% in the direction I need to head. I'm drinking light beer and not going for takeaway afterwards. This is progress.

Life goes on and my resolve is not damaged. I'm heading in the right direction.

Drinking with the Boys While My Man is Out of Town.

2009-06-03T16:00:00.006+10:00

The man goes off to Sydney tomorrow night which means I'll have four dinners without him before he returns on Sunday night. I'll feed him on Sunday night but I'll eat before he gets home.

So I get to have four meals based entirely on what I like and nobody else. Wow - it's like living alone again.

Actually, it's not like living alone again. When I lived alone I couldn't be arsed peeling carrots for one person so I'd eat a lot of lean cuisines, takeaway, pasta and bread dipped in oil and vinegar. I'm not really a takeaway person in that I prefer something I have made, but the life of the single girl didn't always make it easy for healthy choices.

So these four meals that need only satisfy what I want - what will I make?

I have a serious passion for veggies that the man doesn't share. He eats veggies and seems to enjoy them but doesn't get excited about fennel being in season the way I do. I also like raw meat. (Ok, stop making gagging noises). I picked up this preference through working for an agribusiness company where we would sample the uncooked produce at a butchers shop. Then I worked for a Japanese company who always had traditional foods for work functions. Gyu tataki became my obsession.

Actually, that's what I'll have for one of the meals - gyu tataki. A nice piece of steak seared on the surfaces then sliced ribbon thin. Served on grated cabbage with a lemon and soy dressing. Oh yeah - raw beef and cabbage.

I'll also have some clear soup full of mushrooms, noodles and tofu. While I don't think the man would turn his nose up at this he would probably start foraging for jam sandwiches afterwards and I'd feel the meal wasn't satisfactory. Maybe I underestimate him. I might try it on him next week and see what happens.

Now I've given it some thought I realise that my own preference is for more veggies and Asian style meals. I think I'll work on introducing some of these things to our usual meals and see what happens.

So the man is away and that's weird. Also, I'm off to the pub tonight with three of the lads from work. My usual modus operandi is to sink three pints of beer and share some wedges. I don't yet have a plan for tonight. Probably time to consider my options.

Ok - I don't actually care if I drink or not. That's a plus. Also I want to be on the 7.25 train home so I'll leave the pub at 7.00pm. That means I'll be there for two hours. I will need to eat dinner before hand or I'll be tempted to snack on wedges and beer.

What I'll do is get some sushi rolls (2 for 5 points) at lunchtime and then eat them around 4.45pm. That will be dinner. I can always have an apple when I get home if I'm hungry. I'll have an early lunch at around 12.00 and no morning or afternoon tea as I'll be eating my main meals before 5pm I can't see myself being hungry before then.

As far as drinks go I'll just say I'm feeling a bit queasy and drink mineral water. I might have one light beer though - I'll check the points. BRB....

.... Righto - I'll have a pint of light and then mineral water. I'll still come in 1 point under for the day AND I'm walking up to the Victoria Markets at lunch time so that's an extra 15 minutes walk each way.

I think I've turned what could be a terrible day into one of the best for my week.

Hooray for Euphie!

Swiney

2009-06-02T13:51:00.002+10:00

I called the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling. I know I've got it because of the rashers...

Damn I'm funny. I do feel a bit fluey though. It might just be that I'm having a day of work that involved staring at the computer and not much else. I feel a bit dead. I'll keep at it and see how I feel tonight.

I got up at 6am this morning - or my bladder forced me to get up. I don't have to head out for the train until 8am so I decided to make good use of my two hours. Instead of stuffing around on the computer or crawling back into bed I washed the dishes and cleaned the stove.

Dish washing is Mr Euphie's job as I do the cooking. He usually does it the following day before I get home. As long as the dishes are done before I get home and have to start cooking I'm happy. So I thought I'd be nice and do the dishes for him.

I got a bit carried away because I then decided to scrub the hob. It was pretty gross and really needed doing. This was more a necessity than anything else. Still, the kitchen looks clean and I've done something nice for another person.

I read some body's magazine article once where they recalled complaining to their mother of being bored or sad or cranky or otherwise not happy. Her advice to them was "find something nice you can do for someone else and do it". I'd add to this and make it "find something nice you can do for someone else and do it, but make sure it requires at least a little physical effort".

This achieves three things:
- gets something done that probably needs doing
- provides more movement and activity than sitting on the sofa watching The Simpsons
- takes your mind of your own gripes and whinges

and I probably should add:
- keeps you from mindlessly snacking if that is something you do

Actually, I haven't had a problem with mindless snacking for several weeks now. I've eaten meals that were a bit too much (like today - feel a bit full), but I haven't gone to the fridge and stared at the contents like they were they telly.

I wonder if this will change this weekend? The man is off to Sydney from Thursday evening til Sunday night so I'll have the house to myself for 72 hours. It will be weird. I lived alone for ten years and then 14 months ago moved into a house with the fella. So I'm not scared of being alone or unable to entertain myself at all. It will just be weird.

I wonder if I'll start browsing the cupboards for something to do?

Nah, I'll probably just settle down with a bottle of wine and knit a jumper. Bring on the weekend!

Euphie Sick and Kitty Injured

2009-05-31T08:24:00.004+10:00

What a weekend! Between playing vet surgeon to kitty and stuffing myself with painkillers I really didn't do a lot else.

On Friday night Cobey the cat was sitting on my bed having a scratch - one of those "look how flexible I am scratching my ear with my back leg" things that cats do to show off. Well, he must have had an abscess on his head because he managed to rupture it and there was a big glob of bloody pus on my pillow (good one kitty).

He had shown no signs of an abscess at all that morning apart from a little scratch was was at least a week old and giving him no pain. He is subjected to constant scratches and cuddles so I can't believe I missed it. The abscess must have really flared up during Friday before it's spectacular explosion on Friday night.

I cleaned him up and changed my pillow slips. I gave the wound a bit of a squeeze to drain out some more of the pus and then took his dinner away from him in case he needed to go to the vet in the morning.

After cleaning him up I sniffed his head (yeah, gross) and there was no smell of infection or any "rotten" smell. Also he didn't have a fever so I was pretty optimistic.

Next day he was bouncing around demanding breakfast, his head wound had drained some more and there wasn't even any inflammation. He even let me touch it which is an excellent sign. Also there was still no foul smell indicating infection. Still no fever.

Kitty didn't go to the vet and we are both very happy about this. I'm at ease handling animals, giving them injections, flushing wounds etc. But I've never known a cat to be so vicious when it comes to giving him a pill so an opportunity to avoid needing to do this is welcomed by all.

Today Cobey was sleeping IN my bed when I left for work today. Australia's hardest working cat lives to nap another day.

Apart from cat dramas I had my own ill health to deal with. Massive, hideous period pain. I spent most of Sunday in bed with two doonas and the electric blanket on 3. Also I'd like to do a big plug here for Advil Liquid Caps. They rock.

There really wasn't a lot I could do apart from lying in bed feeling horrible. I did manage to walk out to the fruit markets with the man which is an hour walk, so that's good. I'm glad I got some exercise in before the pain got too bad.

So much for my plans of an active weekend where I start jogging again. Bummer.

Still there are some positives in all this:

- this month I didn't have any PMT binge or massive increase in what I ate
- I still managed 30 mins walking on Saturday and an hour on Sunday
- I stuck to my points and only used two of my exercise points over the weekend
- I had half a bottle of wine on Friday and the same again on Sunday (all within my points). It's a lot of wine but about 40% than I used to drink over the course of a weekend.

Anyway, today I go back to my Monday meeting at 12.45pm. My last weigh in was Friday at 7.30am so I don't know what to expect really. I kind of expect a loss because I was all bloated thanks to PMT on Friday, but I need to be realistic about what can be achieved in 3 days. Also the change from early morning to lunchtime will likely have an impact.

I'll post later today to report in.

--------
Update!

Lost 400g! Despite moving meeting times, period dramas, only being a few days since last meeting and whatever else I thought would give me a gain - I was rewarded with a 400g loss!

I rock.

900g Loss! Huzzah!

2009-05-29T08:14:00.003+10:00

Sitting at my desk, drinking coffee and eating a sandwich from 7-eleven. It's 7.45am and I'd like to go back to bed.

I normally work the "Hollywood shift" at work - 9.40am to 6.00pm. Today I'm covering the 8.30am to 4.45pm. It will be nice to get home earlier but I'm kind of sleepy.

For the past couple of weeks I've done this shift on Friday so I weighed in at the Friday 7.30am meeting. Today I lost 900g which I'm happy about. Would love the full kilo but am not going to be a snob about a good loss like 900g.

I'm going to go back to my normal meeting next week. I think the leader there suits me better, so I'll go back to 12.45pm Monday group.

I was tossing up whether to get back to Mondays on 1 June (in three days) or on 8 June (in ten days). I think I'd get sloppy if I wait until the 8th because I'll think I've got an extra long "week" to balance things out in. No - I'll go on the 1st and although I'm unlikely to register much of a change for just three days. It's not like there is any additional cost to me as I'm on the unlimited plan.

Actually, no change could be a good thing. I'm weighing up (so to speak) the advantage of three days worth of losses against being weighed at 12.45pm instead of 7.30am. Still, I'll aim for a loss and I hope I can achieve one.

In light of this I'm going to have a great three days - stay in points so I don't have to play catch-ups during the week and get some serious exercise over the weekend. Even today I've got a walk planned for lunch time. My legs feel good and I have no more post fire drill jelly legs excuses. I'm really looking forward to being active this weekend. Time to jog methinks!

What else do I know...Hmmmmm...

Oh yes, 7-eleven sandwiches are not bad. The ham salad and the ham summer salad are only 5 points (I think the difference is onion in the summer salad so today I have onion breath) . They are on wholegrain and the veggies are nice and fresh. The chicken ones are high in points so I avoid them. A good choice for lunch (or in my case breakfast) when options are limited. All you need is a 7-eleven.

The pants I'm wearing today were too tight to wear to work a week ago. Now they fit really well. I will not be able to wear the black pants that I've been living in for two months any more. They are way too loose and don't look neat at all. I hate baggy-arsed pants regardless of the size and shape of the wearer's bum.

Considering I've only lost a total of 3.5kg that's pretty impressive. I think I'll keep them as my "fat" pants so I can show them off when I'm a ww leader (more on this idea later).

Anyway, this raises the question of what to do about clothes. I'll probably be fine with the two pair of pants that look ok at the moment for another two or three weeks. Maybe I should just buy a pair of pants each pay day (I'm on monthly pay). I don't mind washing clothes at night to wear the next day. I don't want to end up with a heap of clothes I don't want. I think I'll have a fairly spartan wardrobe for a year.

It was only a....

2009-05-28T07:21:00.003+10:00

I've just re-read my last week of posts and have noticed a trend that does not please me.

On the weekend last I went to the pub and had the seafood platter and nearly a whole bottle of wine. I justified this by saying it was day one of my ww week and I'd make up for it during the week. I did make up for it points wise, but still it's a cop-out.

Then I posted yesterday with my excuses for the 7 point hot chocolate. Yes, they were valid reasons for such an extravagant drink but considering I am trying to lose weight I don't get to offer reasons. That might be a luxury for people without a weight problem, but for me drinking the hot chocolate and then saying "yeah, but I had to because....." does not cut it. I could easily have had peppermint tea and I love peppermint tea. I would not have felt deprived.

I'm not trying to beat myself up here. I have not gone over my week's allocation of points and bonus exercise points. I did not eat any of the cheesecake that was in the office yesterday to celebrate four staff members' birthdays - including mine. Also it's the week before my period and normally I'd have eaten everything that couldn't outrun me.

It's just that I've found myself reading some of the comments on the ww forum and thinking that these people must not be serious. When I start to look at others with a critical eye it's a good indication that I need to look back at myself.

Let me give an example:

One poster was saying "the kids persuaded me to get a charcoal chicken, chips and gravy" for an afternoon snack. I really, REALLY wanted to post a reply saying "You are the adult and you buy the food - do not use your children as an excuse. Also, what sort of after school snack is that? That's a bloody meal. What are you teaching your children?"

I didn't post this reply. Like I said, when I am starting to criticise the choices of others then it's time to look at my own choices. So having looked at my own choices for the past week I have identified three things that I will focus on next week.

1 - Half a bottle of wine on a Friday night is ok but more than that is not good. Regulate your wine consumption.
2 - Stop relying on the fact that you get a lot of incidental exercise. This is good, but you also need some planned exercise for it's own sake.
3 - Make better choices when eating/drinking out. Chose your restaurant and dishes wisely.

Hot Chocolate

2009-05-27T17:13:00.002+10:00

Feeling all full and sleepy. Took one of my staff out for a hot chocolate because I've been looking after another manager's team for a few weeks and neglecting my own people. It's not as bad as it sounds - my own people are very good at getting on with things without me - my "foster children" are a bit crazy and it's like herding cats.

The hot chocolate was so creamy and delicious - I've counted it as 7 points which takes me well over for the day but I'd rather write everything down than try to kid myself it didn't happen. Still, I think I'm set up for a good loss this Friday morning as I had a sneaky step onto the scales this morning and things are looking good.

Actually, things are looking a bit too good which is one reason I usually avoid any extra-curricular weighing, as it were. I was only just a bit over 115 this morning which would be a massive loss of over 3kg since my meeting last Friday.

As much as this would be fantastic its more likely an anomaly and this is a danger of weighing outside meetings. If you weigh at home and things look really good like they did this morning, then you can be very disappointed at the meeting. If the home scales suggest no movement or, God forbid, a gain then the temptation to say "bugger it" and eat a side of beef with garlic butter looms large.

So if I have a huge loss this week then great but I' m not going to get my hopes up even though I have to chuck out two pair of pants that don't stay up anymore. I will wait 36 hours and see.

I hope that hot chocolate does not ruin me - but a good week will not be destroyed by a single drink a day and a half beforehand. I must keep things in perspective because a hot chocolate with an employee will happen every now and then.

I don't think I'll want much dinner though - it's 5.36 now and dinner will be around 7.30 - I just can't see myself wanting anything to eat by then because I feel completely stuffed after that hot chocolate.

Scary Fun

2009-05-26T17:57:00.003+10:00

Just for fun even though it's scary, here are some before and after simulations from http://www.mvm.com/. In the after pic I'm in sports gear and have better hair.

The "F" Word

2009-05-26T11:56:00.003+10:00

I got home last night and binged on 2 POINTS WORTH OF DRIED APRICOTS! Oh the horror - how ever will I recover from this massive blow out. (Only joking).

I snacked on dried apricots while making dinner. They were really nice - I love dried fruit - especially apricots and prunes and raisins. They are as tasty as sweets but so much healthier.

Despite being all sad and angry last night about the work situation, I'm feeling ok now. I didn't end up going for a walk at it was raining and would have been 9.30 before I got a chance to go. I did get 4 x 15 minutes at each end of my two train commutes. Oh, and I still came in with a few points to spare/save at the end of the day.

Yesterday was a bit weird and frustrating for reasons other than my day job. A colleague, Michelle, I getting married in October. After recently announcing she was going to have "no carbs after 6pm" in order to slim down for her wedding, she has been making all sorts of weird food statements.

Yesterday she announced "I found out that drinking chocolate milk after exercise is better than drinking sports drink". Apparently it was on the radio that morning. A few minutes later I was gossiping with my boss and said "did you hear Michelle's latest nutritional advice?". My boss had heard the same radio show and said "She forgot to mention that they said chocolate milk was still very fattening."

Fattening.

I haven't heard that word for ages. In the 70s and 80s when I was growing up I heard it a lot. It was just the way foods believed to put on weight were described. Sometimes this was incorrect - potatoes were "fattening". Bread was "fattening" but toast was ok.

Ok - so there were some weird ideas out there, but it was the word "fattening" that was used.

Now we would say chocolate milk is "high fat" or "a treat food" but we don't call it "fattening". This word links the food to the outcome in a way that "high fat" or "treat" do not. I wonder if changing the way we talk about foods that are more likely to make us fat had changed how we think about them.

As George Orwell showed us in 1984, if you change the words you have available to describe a thing then you change the concept of the thing. If you disagree, ask yourself this. If you went out to dinner with friends would you say "I won't have the cake, it's fattening" or would you say "I wont have dessert, it's high-fat". Which statement would make your friends uneasy about their own choice?

Chocolate will not make me happy...

2009-05-25T17:33:00.003+10:00

Work is depressing. We are losing a lot of good people who are driven by the pursuit of quality. It looks like our department is going to be a volume driven, cost per transaction enterprise and I don't want to work like that. I am also aware that it's not a friendly job market at the moment and I'm unlikely to get something similar that pays this well.

Three possible outcomes:
- I get made redundant and sent away with $22k tax free. This would give me a buffer between jobs.
- I stay put and watch things change in a way that depresses me. I end up having to leave because my company becomes the sort of company I don't want to work for anymore. This would be incredibly sad and probably mean a pay cut.
- Nothing changes, we continue on our merry way and all is right with the world. I'm not naive enough to think this is likely.

I'm sad and angry and uncertain about the future and although for a fleeting moment I thought about having a glass of vino or some chocolate when I got home, on reflection it's not tempting at all. Its not that I want it and am holding back - it's that I don't want it because I know it wont help.

It is clear to me now that indulging in wine or sweets or cheese will make me feel worse - both physically and mentally. I need to find a way to de-stress. Perhaps today is the day I get off my bum and do that jogging I was talking about.

At the very least I'll go for a walk after dinner. I don't get home til 7.15pm and then by the time dinner is cooked and the dishes washed that will be about 9.00pm. Still, just 15 minutes should help.

Life will go on and there will be other jobs. The only constant is me, so I'll look after me and manage everything else around me.

Why the Hell Not?

2009-05-24T11:45:00.003+10:00

Do any of these statements sound familiar:

"I'll just be happy to get to a size 14, I don't think it's realistic for me to get to a 12 considering my build".

"I'll aim for the top of the WW healthy weight range because I'd look so thin and gaunt at the middle or bottom of the range".

"I'm not one of those sporty types who go to the gym. I'll never look really fit, I'll just be happy not to be fat".

"I don't think I'll ever want to be one of those people who go to the gym every day. I'm just not that energetic."

Ever caught yourself saying things like this? I have - today in Target of all places. I was looking at their "hot options" range. There are some revolting things (Smurfette T-Shirt anyone?) and some nice things too. I was thinking of how nice it would be to be able to wear these clothes. Considering the sizes are "real" sizes and not expanded to soothe the egos of shoppers. Their 12 is a 12 compared to somewhere like Sussan whose 12 is more like a big 14. I used to think I'd never wear anything from the Target hot options range.

Because I'm feeling very positive and capable of reaching my goals lately, instead of thinking I'd never wear these clothes I was saying "at least I'll be able to buy their size 16s and that will be enough". That's an improvement on "I've got to lose over 50 kg and I'll never wear anything other than a doona cover or a tarp".

The implication here is that I wont ever wear their 12s. Then I thought to myself "why the hell not?"

Ok - a few important bits of Euphie physiology here. I am taller than the average female Australian at 173cm. I also have a large bust - at my fittest and 75kg I was still a DD - so if I was 65kg I don't expect I'd get under a D. I am broad shouldered and hourglass shaped with a defined waist and hips that balance my bust and shoulders. This is a good thing - its much easier to dress an hourglass than a pear or apple shape.

So my goals do need to be realistic - I'll probably always have to go up a size or two in shirts because of my bust. Also, really skinny pants don't suit me at all (I would argue they don't suite about 90% of the people who wear them but that's another post). Considering my height, shape and build I don't believe aiming for a size 10 is realistic.

Still - why have I never considered size 12 a realistic goal? At 75kg I had a few items in a 12 and despite feeling really good at 75kg I clearly had some weight to loose. I was attractive but still porky. I've always settled for a 14 or 16.

Now I want to point out that there is nothing wrong with 14 or 16. My gorgeous friend Emma is a 16 and looks fantastic. She is sporty and healthy and because she's 182cm tall and is all shoulders and tummy with slimmer legs a 16 is absolutely appropriate. She can run up and down stairs for an hour and not die.

I don't want to dismiss anyone else's goals here - I'm just reviewing mine.

Anyhoo... back to the blog, what about the sports? "I'm not sporty", "happy just to not be fat". I'm not sure. I'd like to be lean and athletic. I don't find bodybuilders' physiques appealing but Cathy Freeman looks pretty hot, so does Melinda Gainsford and Amelie Mauresmo. They are obviously very fit women and I'll bet they don't buy size 16s.

Just because I haven't been sporty in the past does not mean I can't or wont be now. I love running and am slowly getting back into it. I want to run every day. I'm also a bit of a swimming fan and have I told you that my road bike is caller Trevor and I love him? Sounds like a sporty person to me. Just because I've got appalling eyesight and can't play any ball sports doesn't mean I can't be sporty.

So instead of being the girl who is just happy to get into a Target size 16 and not be the fattest one in the room I have a new goal (although this is a good intermediate/half way goal).

MY NEW GOAL: To be fit enough to run 10km non stop. To grab the size 12 at the dress shop and expect it to fit. To be the fittest person in the room.

You know what? I can do this, and even better, I will.

Positive Despite Crazy Dinner

2009-05-23T13:22:00.004+10:00

I went to the pub last night (Friday) because I couldn't be arsed cooking. It took me ages to choose something from the menu as I had decided I wasn't going to have one of the things I always have (lambs fry or steak). I wanted the barramundi but I kind of liked the idea of calamari. I ended up ordering the seafood platter.

It was bloody enormous! There was a little prawn cocktail - about 1/2 a cupful, four prawn cutlets, four crumbed scallops, a small piece of grilled barramundi, two natural oysters, a handful of salt and pepper calamari, salad and chips. That's quite a meal - and yes, it is considered a single serve!

The good thing was it had all the bits I wanted. I ate the grilled fish, calamari, oysters, scallops and salad. I had three of the prawns from the cocktail. I fed the prawn cutlets and chips to my man who had finished his stroganoff and never says no to a free chip.

After having all I wanted and the man having some too there was still a lot of food on the plate. What a waste! Half of what I was served would have been ample. The scary thing was that all around me in the dining room were other diners who ate the whole thing, after an entree and followed by a dessert.

So I had something a bit different. It was high in points but I've recorded every single one (including a point for the two chips I ate before deciding against them). I stopped when I'd had enough and was happy.

With our meal we had an excellent bottle of red. If we had stopped there I wouldn't be 14 points in deficit for the week! (Ok, so it was day one of my ww week). We decided to get another bottle of red to take home and watch The Mummy on DVD. (As you do).

So we walked a block to the pub that had a bottle shop and discovered it was now three times as big as when we last saw it and it actually had something other than beer and alcopops.

HOORAY! BACCHUS MARSH NOW HAS A BWS BOTTLE SHOP!

We sampled some incredibly good cleanskins and walked out with a mixed half dozen. Yeah - because I need more wine in the house. We went home and drank about 70% of a bottle of just-purchased wine and went to bed.

I've worked out that I must have drunk 600mL of wine last night - which is three restaurant glasses or almost a bottle. It probably doesn't sound like much but I was rancid this morning. Two nurofens, a coffee and some fruit juice later and I'm feeling pretty good but I'll be in bed by 9pm.

What is the point of all of this? Well...

1) I was served a giant meal at the pub, ate the bits I really wanted (about 40% of it) didn't feel that I had to eat it all because I'd paid for it and felt completely satisfied.

2) I knew I'd use a lot of points and have decided that I'm happy to do this because it DOES NOT mean I have ruined the week and therefore get to binge until next weigh in when I will have a 'fresh start'.

3) I have tracked every single point for my big night out and that's fine. Pretending I didn't have 14 extra points will not achieve anything.

For Sunday through to Thursday I'll try to stick to 18 points. I will not beat myself up if I don't because my allowance is 23. But if I can do 18 then I'll feel that I've more than made up for my big meal and wine.

It may be very bad to go into overdraft rather than save points. I'll use the same number during a week, but I have more on day one and two and the make up for it on days three through seven. One of my reasons for tracking diligently is so I can review this later. If I find "points overdraft" does not work I'll be very careful not to do it again.

So a big week ahead. I will focus on being careful with points, and now my legs are only a bit sore following the 26 flight fire drill I can reasonably do about 2 hours of walking tomorrow. I love a good bush walk and I'll take the camera and see if I can get some nice pics.

Lost 1.6kg - celebrated with a bagel....Mmmm...bagel...

2009-05-22T08:12:00.003+10:00

Well I went to my weigh in and I lost 1.6 kg this week. Wow.

The best thing is that it proved to me that following the plan WILL result in a loss. A leader once said that if you sort-of follow the plan it will sort-of work. I need to trust that if I do the right thing I'll get results. Not sure how I'll be affected by a plateau if I experience one but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Because I had to be in Melbourne for the meeting two hours earlier than I would normally for work, I didn't have time for breakfast at home. I was ravenous, not to mention caffeine deprived. I went to Glicks and looked at what sandwich toppings they had. Thought about cream cheese and salmon but decided I wouldn't be happy with that. I ended up having a fresh bagel with smoked salmon, tomato, onion, capers and avocado. Best breakfast ever. When I grow up I want to marry a bagel.

So now its Friday, I've had a good loss and the man would like some wine tonight. Actually, I'd like some wine tonight too. I will fit it in with my points and enjoy a few glasses of red while I watch some videos. Only a few weeks ago we had wine every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Now it's just Friday and Saturday. A very positive change.

For the weekend I want to get some serious exercise done but that will depend on how sore my legs are. They are worse today and everyone else at work is saying they also feel worse today than yesterday. I'm walking like the tin man from Wizard of Oz.

So I'll see what my exercise options are over the weekend and take it from there. Right now I'm just going to bask in the afterglow of bagel heaven.

Update later same day...

Have eaten chocolate peanuts this afternoon in a meeting. I enjoyed them and only ate a handful but now I feel grotty. I've had too much coffee today too so that doesn't help.

Couldn't be arsed cooking tonight so might see if man wants to go to the pub for a steak and salad. Steaks at the pub are always served with salad and chip and I usually decide I wont eat the chips but I end up having about 10 or so. Tonight I'm just going to say "no chips thanks". I might get bonus salad! Mmm... bonus salad.

2009-05-21T12:28:00.003+10:00

After yesterday's 26 flight fire drill I now have jelly legs. I'm not quite as stiff as the last drill we did but heeled shoes are a bit difficult at the moment. The day of the drill I have no problems, its the day after that hurts.

On my way home I have a 15 minute walk from the train to the house. Much of it is across parks and commons. Last night I decided to jog across the last common. It was pretty funny because I was in my work gear and I had a backpack on. I braced my boobies with my hands and went for it. I pushed a bit further than I wanted to and felt good about it. Now I know that when I add a few blocks of jogging into my morning walks I'll be able to jog a complete block without stopping. Now I have my sports bra I'm ready to run - I'll just wait until I'm not all stiff and crampy post fire drill. Ouch.

I have my weigh in tomorrow morning at 7.30am and I'm excited and scared. I'm excited because I've stuck to the program well and not gone over points (well, over 3 last night but I had heaps in my bank). I have 5.5 points left for dinner which isn't a lot because I'm pretty hungry at the moment. I might use some more of my saved points from the week.

The reason I'm a bit scared is quite revealing. What if I don't lose weight? What if I've followed the plan all week and I don't lose weight? I'll feel like it's completely hopeless. It's so much easier to handle a gain or not losing when I know I've cheated. I put in place things that will make me fail so I have something to blame other than me. It wasn't MY failure it was the cheese sandwich that failed.

Indeed.

Regardless of what happens on the scale tomorrow I will have another excellent week and start jogging because my legs will only be sore for one or two more days at most.

My period is due in about 4 days so I'm very aware that my hunger has increased. In the past this is been a very difficult time. The urge to consume everything not nailed down is very strong. It has typically been the time at which I have "ruined" my diet and decided I wasn't in the zone and it was all too hard.

So my challenge over the next week is to ensure I don't go over my points because of this. I am told that during your period you use about 10% more energy maintaining your basal metabolism. While I have not scientific evidence of this I wouldn't be surprised if its true. I know my temperature goes up and raising body temperature by just one degree uses significant energy.

Regardless, I do not intend to be derailed by my period this time. It's going to happen every month for another 10 or 15 years so the sooner I learn to manage my eating during my period the sooner I'll be able to get past this excuse.

Bras, Fattitude and Excitement

2009-05-20T12:48:00.003+10:00

Well, I bought a sports bra at David Jones. It's mint green and dusty blue and it's made by Berlei. Nice to have something that's not white because they get grubby with sweat stains after a while. Ah - sweaty, smelly sports.

So now I have the bra I'll start jogging - only a portion of my morning walk but I'll do it. I'm thinking of getting some tights to wear under my trackies to stop the wobbles a bit. Not a good look and will not be comfortable to be blobbing along as my fat has it's own rhythm. But then again tights under trackies would be really hot and I hate feeling overheated. I'll try both and see.

As recommended by many from the WW forums I bought a copy of Craig Harper's book "Fattitude". It arrived today so I might just get out of the office at lunch time and read it over a coffee.

I've had a great week so far. I've changed my weigh in to Friday morning at 7.30am. Eeek - I have to get up at 5.15! Anyway, since last Friday I've kept to my points, had some good exercise (including 26 flights of stairs in this morning's fire drill), reduced alcohol and sugar consumption and been drinking water.

You know what - it's really not that hard. I haven't been hungry or missed out on anything and I haven't had to make any inconvenient changes to my lifestyle. All the dramas and temptations that have caused me to stray in the past have really been in my head, I just never believed it before.

So - here are some before and after situations that show changes I've experienced lately.

ATTITUDE BEFORE - My colleague Jono asks me out for a few beers after work on a Thursday. I'd go and tell myself that it's ages until my Monday weigh-in and one indulgence in the week doesn't matter. I drink three pints and share a plate of wedges with sour cream and chili sauce.

ATTITUDE AFTER - I call Jono and tell him I've decided to cut down my drinking and would he like to catch up for lunch one day instead. Jono is happy with this. When he gets back from leave we will make a date and choose a bistro with a menu that has healthy options.

ATTITUDE BEFORE - My man likes some starches with his dinner so I cook potatoes or pasta or corn or polenta etc to go with the other veggies. I don't have enough points for these and the salmon and veggies that I'm serving are absolutely fine as a meal for me. I still eat the potatoes because I don't want to feel left out. Also I don't want to have to explain that I haven't got enough points left because I'm embarrassed about being fat and having to be on WW.

ATTITUDE AFTER - I don't eat the potatoes and I don't really care. If the man asks why I say I don't have enough points left. He doesn't care either. We are both happy.

I'm so happy with my new perspective on things - I feel so capable and positive. I'm really excited about my weigh in this Friday (it's Wednesday now). I used to dread them because I knew I hadn't followed the plan or lost. I seems so simple now: follow the plan, go to meeting, lose weight. Everyone is happy.

Control Your Boobies!

2009-05-19T07:17:00.003+10:00

Going to buy a sports bra today. Will have to go at lunch time. Hoping I can find a suitable sports bra in 45 minutes - these things tend to be rather drawn out dramas.

I'll go to David Jones I think. I used to like buying bras at Myer because they have a good range, but I'm so sick of Myer and their nightmarish renovations. The escalator to the first floor has been blocked off for months so I have to run the gauntlet of underpaid shop girls and their perfume sprays. Myer has a really good range of fat lady clothes, but their underwear section has not enough change rooms and I'm just not in the mood.

If I get one really good one, that will do me. I can hand wash it at night if needed and if it's a sports bra it doesn't matter if its a bit grotty for my morning walk/jog. I'm going to get grotty anyway.

In other news I'm finding new ways to really annoy myself. I have been weighing myself daily. I've stuck to my points and really cut back on sugars. I've been getting some exercise. I am expecting to see movement on the scales and every morning since weigh in there has been no change.

WELL YOU IDIOT, YOU WEIGHED IN ON FRIDAY. TODAY IS TUESDAY. DER.

That's better. Just needed to give myself a bit of a slap.

I was thinking of throwing out the scales. I don't have children or dogs who need to be weighed to determine medication so why would I actually need them?

I told myself that I'll use them when I'm making jam - it's easier to weigh 10kg of fruit on bathroom scales than in smaller batches on the kitchen scales. After thinking this through, I decided that's not really valid. It might take me another three to five minutes to weigh a heap of fruit for jam making. I make jam maybe two or three times a year but the scales can taunt and tempt me 365 days of the year.

I choose to ditch the scales.

Itching for a Run

2009-05-18T16:56:00.002+10:00

Strange things are happening to Euphie. This morning I was running across Spencer Street Station to catch the pedestrian lights so I didn't have to wait for the next ones. Two things really struck me:

1 - all my fat had it's own unique motion and momentum. Not a good thing to feel like I'm wearing a suit made of water balloons that are doing their own rubbery, pendulous thing. Funny but not funny.

2 - I just wanted to have a proper run. You know, go for a jog and get puffed and feel all buzzy and out of breath.

So I want to act on the second point. The first one will not change in a hurry, so I'm happy to just keep within my points and move more. I know if I do these two things the fat will go away.

As far as acting on point 2 goes, there are a few things to consider. The first is that I'm concerned jogging at my current weight would be dangerous for my ankles and knees. Jogging puts a hell of a lot more strain on these joints than walking does and injury is not my aim. To address this I might just do a little bit and see how it goes. I'll stop if I'm in pain and I'll only do a little bit each day and carefully monitor any symptoms the following day.

The second issue I have with point 2 is getting myself sorted to run. I've been thinking about adding a but of a jog to my walks for ages, but then my morning walks stopped and I just put a 30 minute walk into my lunch time.

So the thing to do would be get back into morning walks. I have a 5km route that is uphill on the up and downhill on the down. Wait - that sounds weird - I'm talking like a tram driver. It's an out-and-back loop that is uphill to the turnaround point and then down hill. That's better.

For the flat bits (there are a few) I could jog for a block and then walk a few blocks then jog another block. If I do this both ways I would have four blocks of jogging as part of my walk. That's probably plenty to start with. Just because I wanted to run this morning doesn't mean I'm actually capable of a whole block!

It's just going to have to be something I throw myself into - if I wait "until" I'm stuffed. I could wait until I'm lighter or fitter or the weather is warmer but that will get me nowhere.

Although I don't feel that The Biggest Loser should be used as an example of anything good, it does show that 120kg women are capable of exercising at a higher capacity than they think they are. I haven't watched the show since the first Australian season but they started that group off with a massive uphill bush walk. That was pretty tough going. All I'm really saying is that those people could work hard for an hour then I can too.

If I post tomorrow, you'll know I survived.

Wine

2009-05-17T12:02:00.002+10:00

It's just gone noon on Sunday and this morning I've potted some plants, made a big batch of savoury muffins for work snacks (tuna, cheese and coriander), walked out to the farmers fruit and veg stands with the man and bought all our fruit and veg for the week, put balsamic glazed veggies into the crock pot for tonight's dinner AND had four glasses of water (which I don't usually do on weekends).

I'm so great - I deserve some kind of medal (joking). Still, it feels good to have things fairly organised before noon so I can settle down on the sofa and watch some Futurama or Mighty Boosh with a glass of wine.

When Mr G and I first moved in to this house as housemates (took 4 months to turn into partners as everyone predicted), we were given a case wine. That's four dozen bottles of homemade red that my sister and bro in law made one year. I wasn't great wine but it wasn't terrible either.

We got into the habit of opening a bottle on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Then we started drinking after work and then we opened two bottles each day after work. Yeah, we felt crap and I had a constant headache but it was fun too. Something about living a Bacchanalian lifestyle in Bacchus Marsh appealed to me.

We got over this period of excess pretty quickly. A constant hangover is not fun and I'm very aware of the damage that much alcohol does to a person.

So now our wine consumption is a bottle shared on Friday and then again on Saturday. That's 7 or 8 standard drinks over the weekend which is outside of the recommended intake. Because the recommended daily amount for both men and women is 2 standard drinks, I'm still drinking twice as much as I should. And no - I don't get to save up the drinks I could have on a weekday and have them on the weekend instead.

Despite having demonstrated that I can drink a whole bottle of wine a night, I'm finding now that even the half bottle I've cut down to for those two days a week is a bit much. I had two glasses of chardonnay over about 3 hours yesterday afternoon. I had a glass of red then with dinner and really regretted it. I felt all acidy and had to have a Quick Eze before bed. I woke up with a headache.

Maybe this change is because I'm more aware of what my body really needs. Or maybe I'm just getting old and will soon be Auntie Euphie who gets pissed on the sherry in the Christmas trifle (actually, that sound like a hoot!). Either way, I just can't put away the wine like I used to and that's a very good thing.

I've Bought a Crock Pot

2009-05-16T14:15:00.007+10:00

Yes, I've bought a crock pot and I'm pretty damn happy about it.

I've just put on some veal goulash from the cookbook that came with it. It's a Sunbeam 3.5 litre job and will allow me to put something on for dinner before I leave for work at 8am and then when Mr G gets home from work around 5pm, he can just switch it from cooking mode to keep warm mode.

Because I usually get home just after 7pm we tend to eat later than I'd like (I cook, G washes the dishes). Also, during winter when I get home in the dark I really don't feel enthusiastic about cooking a meal.

I'm very happy with this purchase. I'm really not a fan of kitchen gadgets (cost heap, take up space, don't get used often enough) but I'm sure I'll get a heap of use out of this because I like to cook curries, soups and stews every week.

I might start a cooking blog, because I love cooking.

I'm playing with the digital camera a lot at the moment, so I thought I'd put in some "family photos".

Below is me taking my own picture in the kitchen, G pulling a silly angry face, Cobey our ginger tabby passed out on a cushion and Emo the black and white stray that comes for meals twice a day.

I'm trying to tame Emo and it's slow going, haven't been able to touch her yet but she doesn't run away like she used to. Poor little thing. I hope we get her tame enough to sit indoors during the cold weather.

I'd like to get her tame enough to feel like she belongs with us. I would like to have her vaccinated and desexed too. She could well have a belly full of kittens but as I can't touch her yet I can't feel her up and find out.

250g per Month

2009-05-15T08:34:00.003+10:00

I joined WW (rejoined WW) on 19 January 2009. It's now four months later and following today's weigh in I have lost a grand total of 1kg in four months. Wow - 250g per month! If I keep this up for a year I could lose 3kg! Ok - no more sarcasm.

The 1kg in 4 months is actually a bit funny because it shows me exactly how much I've deluded myself in thinking that straying "just a little bit" from the plan will not matter. I've got a million excuses for why I couldn't possibly stick to the plan. My life has unavoidable obstacles nobody else experiences that result in me being forced to eat so it's not my fault. Yeah - right.

This was quite a wake-up call, as was looking closely at the photos in my last post. I've taken big steps towards accountability in the last week and am seeing so many areas where I've been so incredibly wrong and incredibly lazy. The criticism of others I always found so easy has been misplaced and should have been aimed at myself.

An example for you - My colleague Michelle announced that in order to lose weight for her wedding in October, she and her man will be having "no carbs after 6pm". I wanted to laugh out loud.

This is the girl who gave up meat for lent but had wafu steak with me on several occasions. I wanted to tell her that she should look for something more balanced and proven (calorie king, ww, not getting lunch from KFC every day). I wondered if she knew that she was deluding herself and she had such a great track record of failing in this sort of thing that she was probably setting herself up for disaster.

I can see very clearly now that I should have cared a lot less about Michelle and given myself the advice that I was so smugly prepared to offer. Michelle will look stunning as a bride, regardless of whether she loses weight or not and my energy would be better spent on me.

So I've changed "Euphie's Goals" to "Euphie's Progress" on the right hand side here and put in my starting weight and today's weight. I'll update each week. I'm not fazed or discouraged or overwhelmed or beating myself up about any of this because I KNOW I can and will reach and maintain my goal.

The changes I've been through in the past week are huge. I feel committed and capable. There is no more rubbish about being in the "zone" wherever the hell that is. This feels good and I'm going to feel bloody fantastic. Oh yeah, and look pretty cute too!